Tip of Surrender

 I have been a first account witness to love that only HE can provide. How can I shake my fist a our God. Our God - the Great I Am who shows us how to love - truly love.

Uncharted Territory

I have walked down many paths with HIM through this life, but I don't ever remember one quite like this. I gave myself some leeway last month after the miscarriage saying that if I were ever to become angry with God that I would accept it and be honest about it. Well, here it is. A little late, but here. This uncharted territory is full of anger. I have never pictured myself shaking my fist at Him, and I write this half in fear of what He thinks of my wicked heart and half proud. I have been prideful many times, but this is different. I am almost daring HIM which, I KNOW people, is total stupidity! However, I want this blog, my life, and my walk to be honest - and honestly I am angry. I am more angry about the after-math of hormones and whacked out self than the actual loss (okay, I am just as angry about the loss too). I am more angry about the loss of identity and the fact that I KNOW He is in control still and that my eternity, identity and  salvation are HIS, but that my human, fleshly-heart, soul, and mind are at war right now.

So here I am in this ugly state and in walks a someone today who's testimony breaks down my little, weak, angry wall that I thought I had built up so powerful. He shared his recent fall-to-his-knees story and I saw the Cross melt my force-field. I told this someone, "that you are not supposed to give me any hope today. I don't want to go there yet, I don't want to let HIM in."

And now I am thinking to myself, "Gosh Lord why do You have to find me again".

Sweet Recovery

 My little angel Maddie Pepper
 

Letter to Myself

To Myself,

As you know missy, hormones are sometimes off their schedule, late, early, too much, too little, etc... For you, this week, and maybe this month, or perhaps this year, you've had it all! Accept that this ridiculous version of yourself is hormonally whacked right now. Come to grips that even though you believe The Almighty can control everything that it still might be okay that you are off. I mean come on Kimi in the last 6 months you have lost your precious pup, gotten daily *ss shots of hormones from ur hubby, swallowed every other man-made hormone possible, gotten pregnant, miscarried, derived some sort of zitty-rash-hormonal-break-out thing, and now your late. Give yourself a break sweetheart, cause honestly you could use one. Wave the white flag. Cry, laugh about it the next minute, and then cry again. Just give in and let it go cause you are only human honey and HE does not expect anything more.

Hugs,
Myself

Crashed

The hurt - the anger - the everything surfaced, and I crashed right into Mr C's chest on this too sunny of an October morning. Thankfully he was there to soak up the tears and mascara. I had a feeling I was feeling too okay about it all. I've been throwing anything I could get my grips on and piling it on top of this s**t (yes I just said shit because unfortunately and truthfully that's whats in my heart right now) and burring it deep down. Writing now brings it back up, and I'm trying to choke it down because I don't want to care. I don't want to want anything worldly. I want the impossible. I want to be non-human and let it all go completely, forever, and for it to never show its face again. But its a ridiculous idea, or really a dream. UGH! Lord, take away this desire...please! I am tired of wanting this.

a Prayer

Good Morning Father above. Lord You know my heart, my fears, my weaknesses, my everything. Just like Your son David, help me to trust in You and not this world. Help me to cry out to You during times of uncertainty. Lord, You are mighty and powerful and I believe in Your love for me! Lord, thank you for protecting Your children. Lord, I need You now and always. My words are insignificant to describe You. I have no gooey feelings motivating me and no emotional rise, but just the unshakable truth of  Your constant Love for me. Thank You Lord. In Your Precious Name, Amen.

Life W/O Babies

I never imagined a life without babies, but here it is - in all its messy glory (and I mean glory in a not so glorious way)!  If I think about it, I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. A life not forced to lean on HIM, but chosen.  I was created to need HIM for everything, and when I come around the mountain and remember once again this simple truth I find peace. Would I be so needy if I had what I want...babies? Would I lean on HIM and let HIM heal me daily, hourly, every minute?  Would I soak up HIS everlasting renewal? I really don't know, but I do know that I was created to need HIM for everything, literally EVERYTHING! Not just for the times of sorrow, but the times of joy, the times of void, the easy times, the times before all else and everyone else, including myself, fails.

Lately I've been strongly avoiding opportunities to "do good works" in a oh-so-fleshly-human attempt to "get closer" to HIM. I have had this nasty human habit as long as I can remember. You know, one of those things we call a vice? This is one of mine.  So as I sit in my chair on Sunday and don't run to the service sign-up table out of guilt, I wonder where the balance is. So I talk to HIM about it and ask for a fleck of HIS wisdom in this area.  "I have my human heart of service Father, but I want YOUR heart of service." I wonder if it will change? I wonder what it will look like when or if it ever does? And then I start to feel guilty again for not signing up...hahahaha...LOL! Oh once again I am smacked in the face with myself.

I love YOU Lord! You sent Your only Son to die on the cross to pay for my silly human habits, vices, sins. You are Good and I am blessed to be called Your child!

Mrs. C

After Miscarriage & What's Next

We met with Dr. Opera on Wednesday to discuss our IVF cycle from start to finish as well as our next step.  To summarize for you all:  I was on the lower end of egg making - but not horrible, the cycle itself went smooth, we got pregies, we miscarried. Overall seen as a pretty good cycle.  One reason I like Dr. Opera is that he shows his disappointment about the miscarriage. Although it was overall a good cycle his goal is to get us pregos and stay pregos. Its good to know he is passionate about his job.

He explained that he would up my drugs (Yipee!..complete sarcasm by the way) next fresh round...(next fresh round????). We brought up our frozen embies at that point and he then explained fresh vs frozen odds to us while encouraging another fresh cycle. Prior to our first ivf cycle Mr. C and I committed to using any frozen embryos we might end up with so, we were a little conflicted after Doc. gave us the stats which were basically 50% for fresh and 25% for frozen.  He typically wants patients to wait 3 months to do another fresh cycle after miscarriage and maybe 2 for a frozen cycle if the timing works out.  He wants me to call the first day of my next AF.  The nurse took my blood again to make sure my HCG had descended to zero, which it had. While she pricked me she told me many times how strong Mr. C was and how "I have a good one!" She told me how hard it was to call Mr. C to tell him the bad news but that she was so impressed with his participation though the process :)  We met with the financial advisor and she went over fresh vs frozen costs for the next cycle. Frozen cycles cost less. Less is still a whole lot! So, I am not sure when we will actually do the FET. We both would like to do it now and geterdone but we shall see.

After leaving the meeting Mr. C and I pleasantly found that we were on the same page. Yes, the odds are against us but we committed to using our two snowflakes and we both feel strongly about sticking to that commitment.  While we could use them later, our concern is that we would end up with a plethora of embryos on another fresh round and then what??? Every IVF couple has a line they must draw and this was ours. If our frosties do not work out then maybe we will save up money for a few years and do another fresh round, or maybe we will switch to adoption; I don't know. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm up to another fresh cycle right now. Maybe in the future but not right now.

While I am anxious to start our FET (frozen embryo transfer), I am also dreading the no-coffee, no-vino, no-exercise, drug-taking, shot-giving,  waiting, sitting, loooooooong - process.

I am not mad at HIM because I don't think HE is pointing HIS "finger" at me saying "Mrs. C, nope, you are not quite ready and I don't think I'll let you have a baby yet."  I am mad at this fallen world that I am a part of, and I am thankful to have eternity with HIM to look forward to, and I wonder how anyone does this or anything else without HIM.

Waiting Again,

Mrs. C

My Pink Pen

Holding on to the gifts HE gives me right now:

HIM
Mr. C
Friends/Fam
Voice/Singing lessons
Grande Iced coffee's with half&half and 2 sugars in the raw
My Pink Pen

Yes, all of these things besides "HIM" are worldly but these are also all gifts from HIM. Gifts that are all precious: from the people we love and are loved by, to the hobbies HE allows time and money for, to the the passions we have had our whole lives, to the sweet coffee addiction fulfillments, and to the pink pens we love to write with. Thankful to HIM today for all the gifts I see and all the many gifts I don't see - yet.

The Process

Officially 4 days after our ultrasound and stopping all medication the physical process of miscarrying has begun. I woke up to cramping early this morning. The cramping was not bad however, keep in mind that I am used to bursting cysts and heavy, painful cycles from endometriosis. Throughout today I have been crampy but nothing that popping a couple of Advil won't cure. 

Emotionally, I am getting through it. I have moments when the reality of it all hits me and I cry and mourn our little one, but then I get up and get going again. Everyone copes differently, but in my case I feel best doing everyday life as well as being pretty open and talking with people about it all.  Which reminds me how thankful I am that we announced our pregnancy even though it was so early.  I have had many people ask me if we are bummed that we announced it so early only to miscarry. I can truly say that I am so happy that people knew. And now they know why I am upset, or zoned out, or whatever I am. I am thankful for the calls, notes, emails, meals, etc. I am most thankful that we got to celebrate life with our family on the day we found out we were pregnant. I think having that time of celebration is actually helping me heal and cope with the loss.

We will meet with Dr. Opera next week for a follow up appointment to discuss this cycle and our next move, which will be the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). We have two little snowflakes waiting for us.

Miscarriage

My beta has dropped to 60. Thankfully, no ectopic is suspected. Unthankfully, (is this a word? nope spell-check says nope but I like it anyways) I am miscarrying :(

This might sound weird but all at the same time I am  numb, peaceful, well-guarded, sad, and just okay. I have not been angry (yet) - giving myself that yet for a later date if needed.

The best words from those who haven't been through this are: no words, "I love you",  "I am here for you", "let's eat", or just a hug and smile. 

The best words from those who have been through this are: "its okay to be angry", "its okay to be sad", "its okay to be whatever you are", and "I am here for you". Although I am not angry (yet) it has been nice to hear that it is okay to be if I am. 

The best words spoken straight to my heart from my Savior have been, "I am with you always". So thankful for this and attributing the peace I have to Him!

Oh yeah, and The Husband of the Century Award goes to.....drum roll please.....MR. C! He has been more than words can say and I love him with all my heart.

Mrs. C

Miscarriage or Ectopic

First Ultrasound Prognosis: Miscarriage or Ectopic

Don't know what to say. Mr. C prayed on the way in for us and again dedicated our baby to Him which made me fall in love all over again. Our ultrasound was very unclear because there was not much to see. We saw a tiny spec in the uterus but it was way to small and might not have even been the baby. My blood work tonight will tell us whether I am miscarrying or if it is rising still which would mean a possible ectopic. We know this little one will go straight to the arms of Jesus. We are sad to say the least, but somehow know it will be okay.

To Him be the Glory for blessing us with one of His children for even a short time,

Mrs. C

Quick Update

We just got back from a wonderful trip to Mammoth. The fresh air was soooo refreshing and the getaway was exactly what we needed. I stopped thinking about "low numbers" for a whole week! We went to a family friends wedding that was set against a beautiful lake and an amazing mountain range that had swirls of colors. It was very peaceful and we really enjoyed time with the family and friends. 

As far as any symptoms go I do not have much to report. I have had some pulls and twinges in the lower region here and there but nothing else major to write about.  Our first ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday. I will be approximately 6.5 weeks or so.  I will update everyone on our progress then. Hugs to all :)

Refreshed,

Mrs. C

Beta #4

9   days past 5 day embryo transfer = 35
11 days past 5 day embryo transfer = 81
13 days past 5 day embryo transfer = 108
17 days past 5 day embryo transfer = 380

My numbers are quite low yet slowly rising. Our nurse told Mr. C it could go either way at this point.  No more betas will be scheduled (thank goodness!). I obviously have mixed emotions about the numbers. Happy they are rising, bummed they are very low.  Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday where I will be about 6.5 weeks and we hope to see a sac, baby, fetal pole, and possibly hear a heartbeat.

I have been extremely sensitive and emotional the last couple of days which has been tough for me and people around me (sorry friends).  I am trying give myself some slack because HECK, I am more juiced up than cattle in line (excuse the gross description but meat is grossing me out right now so I thought is was a nice fit here :)  as well as pregnant.  IVF is a hard, lengthy process. People keep telling me that if it were a natural pregnancy I would not know these numbers and it would be less stressful...DUH (sensitive much Mrs. C). The thing is, that its not a natural pregnancy, we did do IVF, and I do know these numbers - rEalitY.

Symptoms: I had some AF (period) type cramping all last night as well as left leg pain. It was scary, especially with these low betas.

Praise: I believe God is good always and witnessed His awesome power yesterday touching a life of someone Mr. C and I have been praying for a long time!

Advice for other IVF'ers: People are not perfect but HE is!...seek Him, talk to Him constantly throughout this process. Poor out the truth to Him. HE is filled with forgiveness and comfort everyday through every emotion. HE isn't going to judge your up's and down's like yourself and or the world might.

Passion: I am passionate about talking to others going through Infertility. God has blessed me with a new empathy for IF (infertility) peeps.  I am thankful for this new awareness. I am thankful that I can help other people. I hate IF but I love the growth I have found through this process. If you are reading this and really just need someone to talk to please feel free to contact me via this post. I would love to let you vent, listen, and just be there during your walk. I am sooo grateful to have two friends to talk to that went through IVF before me. It really is helpful. Stepping Stone Infertility's website is also an amazing resource filled with women all over dealing with every type of IF.

So stoked to be pregnant today,

Mrs. C

Beta #3 & on My Knees

108 @ 13 days past 5 day embryo transfer
It's low and not doubling so I have to go back on Tuesday. We are obviously discouraged but not defeated. Mr. C is much more positive than me which is great because one of us has to be ;)
Mr. C has been praying for us with such a faithful heart.  I have not been so ready to accept His will. A couple of days ago during prayer I got down on my knees and in tears finally dedicated this baby to Him. I am still on the roller coaster but I feel like He is sitting right next to me now. I know He has been there all along but I needed to let go of my grip and accept His will either way.
In my googling frenzy this past week I learned what phase of IVF we are in. It has a very special name: beta hell.  You are not told going into IVF about beta hell. It's a slow form of torture especially made for infertile myrtles going through IVF. You know to much, think to much, speculate to much, google to much, and everything else to much.  All the while you are pregnant, maybe for the first time in your life, like me right now! So you while you should be celebrating life you are inching through each day holding onto your numbers.
108 & on my knees,
Mrs. C

That's what I call pregnant

Beta #2 & The Nut House

First things first. I took a digital test today and got a ugly, "not pregnant"! Really, come on, give me a break. Then, I took a FRER (First Response Early Something) and got a faint positive! Really, come on, give me a break. So I am pregnant but I'm not? Okay, I don't want to diminish that it was pretty cool to see our first positive POAS (pee on a stick) test ever.

Next, I had to go pick up some meds that I ran out of at our clinic today. Although my next test was scheduled for Friday, I asked to talk to my nurse about the ugly "not pregnant" but she was out for the day and Dr. Opera was in a meeting. 

The assistant said, "since you are here do you want us to do your 2nd beta test?"
"That would be awesome!" I happily accepted.
While she pricked me I asked, "So, we will get the results tomorrow sometime?"
"You will get the results tonight".
Ahhhh those were nice words to hear.

Beta #2 Results:
Doc Opera just called from his personal cell (he is the best) and told us that he is much more optimistic than he was earlier in the week. My beta had more than doubled and was now 81! Great news.

Beta #3 scheduled for Friday.

BTW: I am proclaiming myself to be officially nuts and I am totally cool with it.

How does a oyster become a pearl?

...through much irritation.

Not my will but Yours Lord!

Amen

Ye of Little Faith

The story of our first BFP!

The day was long. The nurse told us we would get our pregnancy test results back, "this afternoon". Our plan was for Mr. C to get the call and then he would deliver the news to me (poor Mr. C now that I think about that).  I worked well until about 1ish. Then my brain began playing tricks. "It's the afternoon" I thought to myself. Three ridiculous, slow, work-worthless hours later 4pm arrived. I couldn't take it anymore.  I locked up my office and walked down to the shop. Mr. C was on edge too. We sat in awful anticipation for another hour together. We came to the conclusion that late news was bad news and I had a good cry. One of our friends came by the shop for a visit. The phone rang. Mr. C answered. Our thoughtful friend looked at me and said, "do you want me to give you guys a minute?". I responded, "that would be awesome". At first Mr. C's face sunk and I sunk with him. Wait - then his face went sheet white and he got up and started pacing. Finally he came over and grabbed me. I looked up and whispered, "are we pregnant?". He nodded yes and then spoke the words, "we are pregnant!!!". I burst into tears of joy. I will never forget Mr. C's smile at that moment. Then he started pacing the shop listening to the nurse as she explained our low beta number and our next step. He asked numerous questions and after he hung up we were in complete and utter shock!


* Disclaimer: I am human

I feel like I have to justify what I am about to post by shouting, " I am SOOOOOOO thankful for this living soul inside of me!!!" and "SOOOOOO thankful for a positive pregnancy test!!" Hallelujah!!!...

My beta is low. I wish I never knew my beta number! Yesterday was bitter sweet. I was so joyful for the pregnancy yet so faithless about the outcome due to my first beta  number which was 35 at 9dp5det (9 days post 5day embryo transfer). The nurse described it as, "low but not horrible".  They would have liked it to be around 50. I will go in on Friday for my next beta. My beta should at least triple by then if the pregnacy is progressing well. If there was ever a time for TMI (to much information)...this is it! Seriously a crazy rollercoster people!

Oh Mrs. C, Ye of Little Faith!!!

Beta Test #1 Results

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIG FABULOUS POSITIVE!!!

Praise the Lord! OMGoodness. We are pregnant!!

Beta was a bit low so please pray for my numbers to shoot up by Friday which is my next appointment. We are both beaming and so tired from the long emotional day so I will get to our beta result story tomorrow.


Ahhhh....so stoked and can't believe I'm even writing this!!!

Mrs. C