Turning a Corner

FINALLY...I am turning a corner with infertility. How you ask? First, stoped being mad at God (yes, I was mad a God and yes, I still believe HE loves me anyway :) Second, stopped focusing on infertilty; started focusing on other things. Third, stopped feeling sorry for myself (dont get me wrong peeps; if you are at this point its ok, we all go through it!) Fourth, listened to Mr. C..:.Mrs. C you have got to start looking at all the great things we have and all the possiblities this life has for you.: Blurg...but ok Mr. C.


Well, lets hope it lasts :)


Brooke

Baby Safe Haven Hotline

Woman finds newborn left on sand at Hawaii beach

By JENNIFER SINCO KELLEHER | Associated Press – 7 hrs ago

 

"HONOLULU (AP) — A baby girl was abandoned and found crying in the sand at a Hawaii beach soon after she was born, human services officials said Monday.

The full-term, 8-pound newborn was "abandoned immediately after birth," state Department of Human Services Director Patricia McManaman said.
A woman parked at Sandy Beach in east Honolulu sometime between 11 p.m. Sunday and midnight heard several people screaming, police spokeswoman Michelle Yu said. A few minutes later the screaming stopped and the woman heard a baby crying.
She walked toward the ocean and saw an infant on the sand. The woman took the baby to a hospital. Police are investigating the case as endangering the welfare of a minor and child abandonment.
The baby, who had been found naked, was doing well and drinking formula at the Queen's Medical Center, McManaman said. "We're just very grateful this child is alive and doing well," she said.
If no one comes forward to claim the child, the Department of Human Services will file a petition this week with family court, asking for custody. A hearing will be held by Monday. If no family is identified, the state will ask the court for permission to release a photo of the infant on Monday, McManaman said.
In 2007, Hawaii became the 48th state with a baby safe haven law, said state Rep. John Mizuno. The law provides immunity from prosecution for leaving an unharmed newborn within 72 hours of birth at a fire department, police station or hospital or with emergency services.
No one has taken advantage of the law since it was enacted, McManaman said. The baby safe haven hotline is 800-494-3991."


http://news.yahoo.com/woman-finds-newborn-left-sand-hawaii-beach-015934646.html


Speechless,

Mrs. C

Not Sure

There are very little times in my life when my fingers do not feel like typing. That is how my little ink-free limbs feel today, but I force them on knowing it helps to get it all out. I am really struggling lately with the grief part of infertility. I feel stuck and I hate it. I cry out to my Father to release me from this want. Lately I think it is gone but it re-visits me so suddenly. I truly know that a baby/child will not make me a happier, fulfilled, etc...but yet my heart yearns to care for a child. And yes people, I know care means many many poopie diapers, sleepless years, worry, etc. You would think us infertile myrtles would take it as a blessing right? Can't I just snap out of it, sign up for a mission trip, and go care for a child somewhere? Is that what I am supposed to do? I think I am grieving the life I dreamt of since I was so little. I never dreamed up an elaborate wedding; I dreamed of being loved and sharing that love with our children.

I heard a message this morning. Keep in mind that I am very skeptical and weary on any message I hear lately. I question motives, truth, character, etc... Any by the way, I am not saying I know it all; in fact, I am saying the opposite: I know nada. This particular message enveloped prayer.  Why does God say no? Why does it feel like He doesn't answer sometimes? To summarize, the speaker said that maybe it is because we are living in sin, or maybe we are not praying the will of God. I heard a message the other day. To summarize, the speaker spoke about how we shouldn't stop knocking. That we should keep asking God. UGH...am I totally cut off from the holy spirit lately..it sure feels that way. Where is that soft whisper that directs my heart during these human fed messages? I miss it Lord. I keep hearing to seek the truth, which I believe is the living word. Does that mean I should memorize it all, sign up for Another bible study, devotion the heck out of every morning? Why do my devotions feel like BLAH lately anyways? God is obviously doing some work in me right now that I can not even organize on paper.

Not sure if this was a thought, prayer, or view but good luck getting all this.

Looking 2 HIM for help,
Mrs. C

Another year older

Tis' a strange thing to grow older with infertility. Just last night Kyle and I were in awe that one of our friends kids was turning 6 already. For me, that means we have been ttc for at least 5 years now (to be honest I have kind of lost track how long). Weird to watch your friends children grow up and go through baby stage, to toddler stage, and then before we know it we are attending tee ball and bumblebee soccer games.  Weird to watch your younger cousins have their first babies. Weird to be the dog lady.

I met with two of my dear friends this morning. They are dear to me in so many ways and I was so touched that they would pack up all their gear, sick babies, strollers, bottles, etc...and travel just to sit and have coffee with me and my puppy. I was reminded that God had truly blessed me with these amazing women who still make a HUGE effort to talk about how cute Maddie is when all the passer-byers are looking at their babies. Thank YOU Father for these women. Thank YOU Lord for these friendships. What a beautiful gift to have selfless friends who go out of their way to include their barren friend. I love you gals and hope that I too can follow your model and put you before myself.

Anger

It's tiring being angry; especially when you are angry at God. I havent wanted to talk about it or think about it. I have filled my time with things that please me temporarily all the while blaming God. I shudder a little thinking about how long I have held onto the - " I don't have a baby" anger. I am relieved to say that I have finally let it go. I got down on my knees and thanked Him for understanding my human heart and the anger that had lingered there. Following, I asked for forgiveness and then thanked Him for the sweet forgiveness that comes so generously and abundantly. And now that the anger is gone, I will be making some changes. More to come...

IT still exists

Well, the past couple of months we have been so full. Full of festivities, full of food, full of drink, full of moving, full of business, full of flu, full of living. Fullness was a nice distraction; but the reality is that IT still exists. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that the desire is gone when our time is filled with plans and people and things. I temporarily forget that I desire to have a belly full of life.  It was a nice thing to temporarily forget...

It struck me once again when I found out last night that another lovely lady I know "fell" pregos. My initial reaction was happiness for them. Then, the memory of my bareness state flooded back into my heart and I cried. Mr. C graciously comforted me. I thought about Hannah.

I am taking action. Today I am researching dog therapy/comfort school for Maddie Pepper and I. She is the sweetest dog I have ever known and I'm hoping we can share the healing she brings to me.

Merry Christmas!

The Aftermath

I haven't written in a few months due to numerous reasons. First, life got in the way. Second, I had so many things going on inside that I could not even put it down on virtual paper. Third, fourth and fifth, I am still working those out. Please pray for me.

I will finally admit it; the last four months (the aftermath) have been hard. I have been embarrassed to say that it has been hard because the enemy trys to guilt me into thinking that my heartache is selfish (something I have dealt with for many years). The truth is that God knows my heartache and yours. He counts our tears. He sent His only son to save us from this world. And I shout my response to this truth, "Praise His Name!" I write the last few sentences in an attempt to start accepting the freedom He died for. Please pray for me.

I am still hurting on the inside. Funny and weirdly church has been the hardest place for me to be since the miscarriage.  I feel extremely venerable in general and even more so in that chair.We belong to a very young church with lots of young families which makes it challenging on many levels. I used to serve in children's ministry and now I couldn't bear it.  I am not in the "club". You know the club, the "mommy club" that just opens naturally when you and all your friends hit your late 20's.  It is a weird warp zone being on the outside of the club. You have all your friends that have 2-3 kids that invite you to all the baptisms, performances, and birthday parties, your younger, single friends that want you to hang past 10:00pm when you know you can't hang past 8:00pm, and your older couple friends that have kids all grown up.  Unfortunately, being outside of the club comes with the infertility territory. Another challenge is the jealously bug. I got bit a few months ago and it is a nasty little bugger. Side affects include and are not limited too: hurt feelings, bitter heart, hard heart, rebellion, pride, envy, and anger.  Again, please pray for me.

Thankfully I am starting to warm up to the idea (and when I say warm up I mean like I just turned on the warm water and it is still freezing cold because the pipes are frozen) that He might have another road for us. I have always been very sensitive to hurting hearts, hungry children, and the lonely of this world so maybe He will use my time in other ways than being a mom. As you can probably tell I am losing hope of giving birth. To be honest, hope of pregos is lost right now. Maybe it will return when we re-visit FET but for now it is gone. Did I ask for prayer yet?

Hugs and Merry Christmas to you all,

Mrs. C

Tip of Surrender

 I have been a first account witness to love that only HE can provide. How can I shake my fist a our God. Our God - the Great I Am who shows us how to love - truly love.

Uncharted Territory

I have walked down many paths with HIM through this life, but I don't ever remember one quite like this. I gave myself some leeway last month after the miscarriage saying that if I were ever to become angry with God that I would accept it and be honest about it. Well, here it is. A little late, but here. This uncharted territory is full of anger. I have never pictured myself shaking my fist at Him, and I write this half in fear of what He thinks of my wicked heart and half proud. I have been prideful many times, but this is different. I am almost daring HIM which, I KNOW people, is total stupidity! However, I want this blog, my life, and my walk to be honest - and honestly I am angry. I am more angry about the after-math of hormones and whacked out self than the actual loss (okay, I am just as angry about the loss too). I am more angry about the loss of identity and the fact that I KNOW He is in control still and that my eternity, identity and  salvation are HIS, but that my human, fleshly-heart, soul, and mind are at war right now.

So here I am in this ugly state and in walks a someone today who's testimony breaks down my little, weak, angry wall that I thought I had built up so powerful. He shared his recent fall-to-his-knees story and I saw the Cross melt my force-field. I told this someone, "that you are not supposed to give me any hope today. I don't want to go there yet, I don't want to let HIM in."

And now I am thinking to myself, "Gosh Lord why do You have to find me again".

Sweet Recovery

 My little angel Maddie Pepper
 

Letter to Myself

To Myself,

As you know missy, hormones are sometimes off their schedule, late, early, too much, too little, etc... For you, this week, and maybe this month, or perhaps this year, you've had it all! Accept that this ridiculous version of yourself is hormonally whacked right now. Come to grips that even though you believe The Almighty can control everything that it still might be okay that you are off. I mean come on Kimi in the last 6 months you have lost your precious pup, gotten daily *ss shots of hormones from ur hubby, swallowed every other man-made hormone possible, gotten pregnant, miscarried, derived some sort of zitty-rash-hormonal-break-out thing, and now your late. Give yourself a break sweetheart, cause honestly you could use one. Wave the white flag. Cry, laugh about it the next minute, and then cry again. Just give in and let it go cause you are only human honey and HE does not expect anything more.

Hugs,
Myself

Crashed

The hurt - the anger - the everything surfaced, and I crashed right into Mr C's chest on this too sunny of an October morning. Thankfully he was there to soak up the tears and mascara. I had a feeling I was feeling too okay about it all. I've been throwing anything I could get my grips on and piling it on top of this s**t (yes I just said shit because unfortunately and truthfully that's whats in my heart right now) and burring it deep down. Writing now brings it back up, and I'm trying to choke it down because I don't want to care. I don't want to want anything worldly. I want the impossible. I want to be non-human and let it all go completely, forever, and for it to never show its face again. But its a ridiculous idea, or really a dream. UGH! Lord, take away this desire...please! I am tired of wanting this.

a Prayer

Good Morning Father above. Lord You know my heart, my fears, my weaknesses, my everything. Just like Your son David, help me to trust in You and not this world. Help me to cry out to You during times of uncertainty. Lord, You are mighty and powerful and I believe in Your love for me! Lord, thank you for protecting Your children. Lord, I need You now and always. My words are insignificant to describe You. I have no gooey feelings motivating me and no emotional rise, but just the unshakable truth of  Your constant Love for me. Thank You Lord. In Your Precious Name, Amen.

Life W/O Babies

I never imagined a life without babies, but here it is - in all its messy glory (and I mean glory in a not so glorious way)!  If I think about it, I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. A life not forced to lean on HIM, but chosen.  I was created to need HIM for everything, and when I come around the mountain and remember once again this simple truth I find peace. Would I be so needy if I had what I want...babies? Would I lean on HIM and let HIM heal me daily, hourly, every minute?  Would I soak up HIS everlasting renewal? I really don't know, but I do know that I was created to need HIM for everything, literally EVERYTHING! Not just for the times of sorrow, but the times of joy, the times of void, the easy times, the times before all else and everyone else, including myself, fails.

Lately I've been strongly avoiding opportunities to "do good works" in a oh-so-fleshly-human attempt to "get closer" to HIM. I have had this nasty human habit as long as I can remember. You know, one of those things we call a vice? This is one of mine.  So as I sit in my chair on Sunday and don't run to the service sign-up table out of guilt, I wonder where the balance is. So I talk to HIM about it and ask for a fleck of HIS wisdom in this area.  "I have my human heart of service Father, but I want YOUR heart of service." I wonder if it will change? I wonder what it will look like when or if it ever does? And then I start to feel guilty again for not signing up...hahahaha...LOL! Oh once again I am smacked in the face with myself.

I love YOU Lord! You sent Your only Son to die on the cross to pay for my silly human habits, vices, sins. You are Good and I am blessed to be called Your child!

Mrs. C

After Miscarriage & What's Next

We met with Dr. Opera on Wednesday to discuss our IVF cycle from start to finish as well as our next step.  To summarize for you all:  I was on the lower end of egg making - but not horrible, the cycle itself went smooth, we got pregies, we miscarried. Overall seen as a pretty good cycle.  One reason I like Dr. Opera is that he shows his disappointment about the miscarriage. Although it was overall a good cycle his goal is to get us pregos and stay pregos. Its good to know he is passionate about his job.

He explained that he would up my drugs (Yipee!..complete sarcasm by the way) next fresh round...(next fresh round????). We brought up our frozen embies at that point and he then explained fresh vs frozen odds to us while encouraging another fresh cycle. Prior to our first ivf cycle Mr. C and I committed to using any frozen embryos we might end up with so, we were a little conflicted after Doc. gave us the stats which were basically 50% for fresh and 25% for frozen.  He typically wants patients to wait 3 months to do another fresh cycle after miscarriage and maybe 2 for a frozen cycle if the timing works out.  He wants me to call the first day of my next AF.  The nurse took my blood again to make sure my HCG had descended to zero, which it had. While she pricked me she told me many times how strong Mr. C was and how "I have a good one!" She told me how hard it was to call Mr. C to tell him the bad news but that she was so impressed with his participation though the process :)  We met with the financial advisor and she went over fresh vs frozen costs for the next cycle. Frozen cycles cost less. Less is still a whole lot! So, I am not sure when we will actually do the FET. We both would like to do it now and geterdone but we shall see.

After leaving the meeting Mr. C and I pleasantly found that we were on the same page. Yes, the odds are against us but we committed to using our two snowflakes and we both feel strongly about sticking to that commitment.  While we could use them later, our concern is that we would end up with a plethora of embryos on another fresh round and then what??? Every IVF couple has a line they must draw and this was ours. If our frosties do not work out then maybe we will save up money for a few years and do another fresh round, or maybe we will switch to adoption; I don't know. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm up to another fresh cycle right now. Maybe in the future but not right now.

While I am anxious to start our FET (frozen embryo transfer), I am also dreading the no-coffee, no-vino, no-exercise, drug-taking, shot-giving,  waiting, sitting, loooooooong - process.

I am not mad at HIM because I don't think HE is pointing HIS "finger" at me saying "Mrs. C, nope, you are not quite ready and I don't think I'll let you have a baby yet."  I am mad at this fallen world that I am a part of, and I am thankful to have eternity with HIM to look forward to, and I wonder how anyone does this or anything else without HIM.

Waiting Again,

Mrs. C

My Pink Pen

Holding on to the gifts HE gives me right now:

HIM
Mr. C
Friends/Fam
Voice/Singing lessons
Grande Iced coffee's with half&half and 2 sugars in the raw
My Pink Pen

Yes, all of these things besides "HIM" are worldly but these are also all gifts from HIM. Gifts that are all precious: from the people we love and are loved by, to the hobbies HE allows time and money for, to the the passions we have had our whole lives, to the sweet coffee addiction fulfillments, and to the pink pens we love to write with. Thankful to HIM today for all the gifts I see and all the many gifts I don't see - yet.

The Process

Officially 4 days after our ultrasound and stopping all medication the physical process of miscarrying has begun. I woke up to cramping early this morning. The cramping was not bad however, keep in mind that I am used to bursting cysts and heavy, painful cycles from endometriosis. Throughout today I have been crampy but nothing that popping a couple of Advil won't cure. 

Emotionally, I am getting through it. I have moments when the reality of it all hits me and I cry and mourn our little one, but then I get up and get going again. Everyone copes differently, but in my case I feel best doing everyday life as well as being pretty open and talking with people about it all.  Which reminds me how thankful I am that we announced our pregnancy even though it was so early.  I have had many people ask me if we are bummed that we announced it so early only to miscarry. I can truly say that I am so happy that people knew. And now they know why I am upset, or zoned out, or whatever I am. I am thankful for the calls, notes, emails, meals, etc. I am most thankful that we got to celebrate life with our family on the day we found out we were pregnant. I think having that time of celebration is actually helping me heal and cope with the loss.

We will meet with Dr. Opera next week for a follow up appointment to discuss this cycle and our next move, which will be the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). We have two little snowflakes waiting for us.

Miscarriage

My beta has dropped to 60. Thankfully, no ectopic is suspected. Unthankfully, (is this a word? nope spell-check says nope but I like it anyways) I am miscarrying :(

This might sound weird but all at the same time I am  numb, peaceful, well-guarded, sad, and just okay. I have not been angry (yet) - giving myself that yet for a later date if needed.

The best words from those who haven't been through this are: no words, "I love you",  "I am here for you", "let's eat", or just a hug and smile. 

The best words from those who have been through this are: "its okay to be angry", "its okay to be sad", "its okay to be whatever you are", and "I am here for you". Although I am not angry (yet) it has been nice to hear that it is okay to be if I am. 

The best words spoken straight to my heart from my Savior have been, "I am with you always". So thankful for this and attributing the peace I have to Him!

Oh yeah, and The Husband of the Century Award goes to.....drum roll please.....MR. C! He has been more than words can say and I love him with all my heart.

Mrs. C

Miscarriage or Ectopic

First Ultrasound Prognosis: Miscarriage or Ectopic

Don't know what to say. Mr. C prayed on the way in for us and again dedicated our baby to Him which made me fall in love all over again. Our ultrasound was very unclear because there was not much to see. We saw a tiny spec in the uterus but it was way to small and might not have even been the baby. My blood work tonight will tell us whether I am miscarrying or if it is rising still which would mean a possible ectopic. We know this little one will go straight to the arms of Jesus. We are sad to say the least, but somehow know it will be okay.

To Him be the Glory for blessing us with one of His children for even a short time,

Mrs. C