Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Aftermath

I haven't written in a few months due to numerous reasons. First, life got in the way. Second, I had so many things going on inside that I could not even put it down on virtual paper. Third, fourth and fifth, I am still working those out. Please pray for me.

I will finally admit it; the last four months (the aftermath) have been hard. I have been embarrassed to say that it has been hard because the enemy trys to guilt me into thinking that my heartache is selfish (something I have dealt with for many years). The truth is that God knows my heartache and yours. He counts our tears. He sent His only son to save us from this world. And I shout my response to this truth, "Praise His Name!" I write the last few sentences in an attempt to start accepting the freedom He died for. Please pray for me.

I am still hurting on the inside. Funny and weirdly church has been the hardest place for me to be since the miscarriage.  I feel extremely venerable in general and even more so in that chair.We belong to a very young church with lots of young families which makes it challenging on many levels. I used to serve in children's ministry and now I couldn't bear it.  I am not in the "club". You know the club, the "mommy club" that just opens naturally when you and all your friends hit your late 20's.  It is a weird warp zone being on the outside of the club. You have all your friends that have 2-3 kids that invite you to all the baptisms, performances, and birthday parties, your younger, single friends that want you to hang past 10:00pm when you know you can't hang past 8:00pm, and your older couple friends that have kids all grown up.  Unfortunately, being outside of the club comes with the infertility territory. Another challenge is the jealously bug. I got bit a few months ago and it is a nasty little bugger. Side affects include and are not limited too: hurt feelings, bitter heart, hard heart, rebellion, pride, envy, and anger.  Again, please pray for me.

Thankfully I am starting to warm up to the idea (and when I say warm up I mean like I just turned on the warm water and it is still freezing cold because the pipes are frozen) that He might have another road for us. I have always been very sensitive to hurting hearts, hungry children, and the lonely of this world so maybe He will use my time in other ways than being a mom. As you can probably tell I am losing hope of giving birth. To be honest, hope of pregos is lost right now. Maybe it will return when we re-visit FET but for now it is gone. Did I ask for prayer yet?

Hugs and Merry Christmas to you all,

Mrs. C