Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Aftermath

I haven't written in a few months due to numerous reasons. First, life got in the way. Second, I had so many things going on inside that I could not even put it down on virtual paper. Third, fourth and fifth, I am still working those out. Please pray for me.

I will finally admit it; the last four months (the aftermath) have been hard. I have been embarrassed to say that it has been hard because the enemy trys to guilt me into thinking that my heartache is selfish (something I have dealt with for many years). The truth is that God knows my heartache and yours. He counts our tears. He sent His only son to save us from this world. And I shout my response to this truth, "Praise His Name!" I write the last few sentences in an attempt to start accepting the freedom He died for. Please pray for me.

I am still hurting on the inside. Funny and weirdly church has been the hardest place for me to be since the miscarriage.  I feel extremely venerable in general and even more so in that chair.We belong to a very young church with lots of young families which makes it challenging on many levels. I used to serve in children's ministry and now I couldn't bear it.  I am not in the "club". You know the club, the "mommy club" that just opens naturally when you and all your friends hit your late 20's.  It is a weird warp zone being on the outside of the club. You have all your friends that have 2-3 kids that invite you to all the baptisms, performances, and birthday parties, your younger, single friends that want you to hang past 10:00pm when you know you can't hang past 8:00pm, and your older couple friends that have kids all grown up.  Unfortunately, being outside of the club comes with the infertility territory. Another challenge is the jealously bug. I got bit a few months ago and it is a nasty little bugger. Side affects include and are not limited too: hurt feelings, bitter heart, hard heart, rebellion, pride, envy, and anger.  Again, please pray for me.

Thankfully I am starting to warm up to the idea (and when I say warm up I mean like I just turned on the warm water and it is still freezing cold because the pipes are frozen) that He might have another road for us. I have always been very sensitive to hurting hearts, hungry children, and the lonely of this world so maybe He will use my time in other ways than being a mom. As you can probably tell I am losing hope of giving birth. To be honest, hope of pregos is lost right now. Maybe it will return when we re-visit FET but for now it is gone. Did I ask for prayer yet?

Hugs and Merry Christmas to you all,

Mrs. C

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Tip of Surrender

 I have been a first account witness to love that only HE can provide. How can I shake my fist a our God. Our God - the Great I Am who shows us how to love - truly love.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Uncharted Territory

I have walked down many paths with HIM through this life, but I don't ever remember one quite like this. I gave myself some leeway last month after the miscarriage saying that if I were ever to become angry with God that I would accept it and be honest about it. Well, here it is. A little late, but here. This uncharted territory is full of anger. I have never pictured myself shaking my fist at Him, and I write this half in fear of what He thinks of my wicked heart and half proud. I have been prideful many times, but this is different. I am almost daring HIM which, I KNOW people, is total stupidity! However, I want this blog, my life, and my walk to be honest - and honestly I am angry. I am more angry about the after-math of hormones and whacked out self than the actual loss (okay, I am just as angry about the loss too). I am more angry about the loss of identity and the fact that I KNOW He is in control still and that my eternity, identity and  salvation are HIS, but that my human, fleshly-heart, soul, and mind are at war right now.

So here I am in this ugly state and in walks a someone today who's testimony breaks down my little, weak, angry wall that I thought I had built up so powerful. He shared his recent fall-to-his-knees story and I saw the Cross melt my force-field. I told this someone, "that you are not supposed to give me any hope today. I don't want to go there yet, I don't want to let HIM in."

And now I am thinking to myself, "Gosh Lord why do You have to find me again".

Monday, October 22, 2012

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Letter to Myself

To Myself,

As you know missy, hormones are sometimes off their schedule, late, early, too much, too little, etc... For you, this week, and maybe this month, or perhaps this year, you've had it all! Accept that this ridiculous version of yourself is hormonally whacked right now. Come to grips that even though you believe The Almighty can control everything that it still might be okay that you are off. I mean come on Kimi in the last 6 months you have lost your precious pup, gotten daily *ss shots of hormones from ur hubby, swallowed every other man-made hormone possible, gotten pregnant, miscarried, derived some sort of zitty-rash-hormonal-break-out thing, and now your late. Give yourself a break sweetheart, cause honestly you could use one. Wave the white flag. Cry, laugh about it the next minute, and then cry again. Just give in and let it go cause you are only human honey and HE does not expect anything more.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012


The hurt - the anger - the everything surfaced, and I crashed right into Mr C's chest on this too sunny of an October morning. Thankfully he was there to soak up the tears and mascara. I had a feeling I was feeling too okay about it all. I've been throwing anything I could get my grips on and piling it on top of this s**t (yes I just said shit because unfortunately and truthfully that's whats in my heart right now) and burring it deep down. Writing now brings it back up, and I'm trying to choke it down because I don't want to care. I don't want to want anything worldly. I want the impossible. I want to be non-human and let it all go completely, forever, and for it to never show its face again. But its a ridiculous idea, or really a dream. UGH! Lord, take away this desire...please! I am tired of wanting this.

Friday, October 12, 2012

a Prayer

Good Morning Father above. Lord You know my heart, my fears, my weaknesses, my everything. Just like Your son David, help me to trust in You and not this world. Help me to cry out to You during times of uncertainty. Lord, You are mighty and powerful and I believe in Your love for me! Lord, thank you for protecting Your children. Lord, I need You now and always. My words are insignificant to describe You. I have no gooey feelings motivating me and no emotional rise, but just the unshakable truth of  Your constant Love for me. Thank You Lord. In Your Precious Name, Amen.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Life W/O Babies

I never imagined a life without babies, but here it is - in all its messy glory (and I mean glory in a not so glorious way)!  If I think about it, I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. A life not forced to lean on HIM, but chosen.  I was created to need HIM for everything, and when I come around the mountain and remember once again this simple truth I find peace. Would I be so needy if I had what I want...babies? Would I lean on HIM and let HIM heal me daily, hourly, every minute?  Would I soak up HIS everlasting renewal? I really don't know, but I do know that I was created to need HIM for everything, literally EVERYTHING! Not just for the times of sorrow, but the times of joy, the times of void, the easy times, the times before all else and everyone else, including myself, fails.

Lately I've been strongly avoiding opportunities to "do good works" in a oh-so-fleshly-human attempt to "get closer" to HIM. I have had this nasty human habit as long as I can remember. You know, one of those things we call a vice? This is one of mine.  So as I sit in my chair on Sunday and don't run to the service sign-up table out of guilt, I wonder where the balance is. So I talk to HIM about it and ask for a fleck of HIS wisdom in this area.  "I have my human heart of service Father, but I want YOUR heart of service." I wonder if it will change? I wonder what it will look like when or if it ever does? And then I start to feel guilty again for not signing up...hahahaha...LOL! Oh once again I am smacked in the face with myself.

I love YOU Lord! You sent Your only Son to die on the cross to pay for my silly human habits, vices, sins. You are Good and I am blessed to be called Your child!

Mrs. C

Saturday, September 29, 2012

After Miscarriage & What's Next

We met with Dr. Opera on Wednesday to discuss our IVF cycle from start to finish as well as our next step.  To summarize for you all:  I was on the lower end of egg making - but not horrible, the cycle itself went smooth, we got pregies, we miscarried. Overall seen as a pretty good cycle.  One reason I like Dr. Opera is that he shows his disappointment about the miscarriage. Although it was overall a good cycle his goal is to get us pregos and stay pregos. Its good to know he is passionate about his job.

He explained that he would up my drugs (Yipee!..complete sarcasm by the way) next fresh round...(next fresh round????). We brought up our frozen embies at that point and he then explained fresh vs frozen odds to us while encouraging another fresh cycle. Prior to our first ivf cycle Mr. C and I committed to using any frozen embryos we might end up with so, we were a little conflicted after Doc. gave us the stats which were basically 50% for fresh and 25% for frozen.  He typically wants patients to wait 3 months to do another fresh cycle after miscarriage and maybe 2 for a frozen cycle if the timing works out.  He wants me to call the first day of my next AF.  The nurse took my blood again to make sure my HCG had descended to zero, which it had. While she pricked me she told me many times how strong Mr. C was and how "I have a good one!" She told me how hard it was to call Mr. C to tell him the bad news but that she was so impressed with his participation though the process :)  We met with the financial advisor and she went over fresh vs frozen costs for the next cycle. Frozen cycles cost less. Less is still a whole lot! So, I am not sure when we will actually do the FET. We both would like to do it now and geterdone but we shall see.

After leaving the meeting Mr. C and I pleasantly found that we were on the same page. Yes, the odds are against us but we committed to using our two snowflakes and we both feel strongly about sticking to that commitment.  While we could use them later, our concern is that we would end up with a plethora of embryos on another fresh round and then what??? Every IVF couple has a line they must draw and this was ours. If our frosties do not work out then maybe we will save up money for a few years and do another fresh round, or maybe we will switch to adoption; I don't know. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm up to another fresh cycle right now. Maybe in the future but not right now.

While I am anxious to start our FET (frozen embryo transfer), I am also dreading the no-coffee, no-vino, no-exercise, drug-taking, shot-giving,  waiting, sitting, loooooooong - process.

I am not mad at HIM because I don't think HE is pointing HIS "finger" at me saying "Mrs. C, nope, you are not quite ready and I don't think I'll let you have a baby yet."  I am mad at this fallen world that I am a part of, and I am thankful to have eternity with HIM to look forward to, and I wonder how anyone does this or anything else without HIM.

Waiting Again,

Mrs. C

Friday, September 28, 2012

My Pink Pen

Holding on to the gifts HE gives me right now:

Mr. C
Voice/Singing lessons
Grande Iced coffee's with half&half and 2 sugars in the raw
My Pink Pen

Yes, all of these things besides "HIM" are worldly but these are also all gifts from HIM. Gifts that are all precious: from the people we love and are loved by, to the hobbies HE allows time and money for, to the the passions we have had our whole lives, to the sweet coffee addiction fulfillments, and to the pink pens we love to write with. Thankful to HIM today for all the gifts I see and all the many gifts I don't see - yet.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Process

Officially 4 days after our ultrasound and stopping all medication the physical process of miscarrying has begun. I woke up to cramping early this morning. The cramping was not bad however, keep in mind that I am used to bursting cysts and heavy, painful cycles from endometriosis. Throughout today I have been crampy but nothing that popping a couple of Advil won't cure. 

Emotionally, I am getting through it. I have moments when the reality of it all hits me and I cry and mourn our little one, but then I get up and get going again. Everyone copes differently, but in my case I feel best doing everyday life as well as being pretty open and talking with people about it all.  Which reminds me how thankful I am that we announced our pregnancy even though it was so early.  I have had many people ask me if we are bummed that we announced it so early only to miscarry. I can truly say that I am so happy that people knew. And now they know why I am upset, or zoned out, or whatever I am. I am thankful for the calls, notes, emails, meals, etc. I am most thankful that we got to celebrate life with our family on the day we found out we were pregnant. I think having that time of celebration is actually helping me heal and cope with the loss.

We will meet with Dr. Opera next week for a follow up appointment to discuss this cycle and our next move, which will be the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). We have two little snowflakes waiting for us.

Sunday, September 16, 2012


My beta has dropped to 60. Thankfully, no ectopic is suspected. Unthankfully, (is this a word? nope spell-check says nope but I like it anyways) I am miscarrying :(

This might sound weird but all at the same time I am  numb, peaceful, well-guarded, sad, and just okay. I have not been angry (yet) - giving myself that yet for a later date if needed.

The best words from those who haven't been through this are: no words, "I love you",  "I am here for you", "let's eat", or just a hug and smile. 

The best words from those who have been through this are: "its okay to be angry", "its okay to be sad", "its okay to be whatever you are", and "I am here for you". Although I am not angry (yet) it has been nice to hear that it is okay to be if I am. 

The best words spoken straight to my heart from my Savior have been, "I am with you always". So thankful for this and attributing the peace I have to Him!

Oh yeah, and The Husband of the Century Award goes to.....drum roll please.....MR. C! He has been more than words can say and I love him with all my heart.

Mrs. C

Friday, September 14, 2012

Miscarriage or Ectopic

First Ultrasound Prognosis: Miscarriage or Ectopic

Don't know what to say. Mr. C prayed on the way in for us and again dedicated our baby to Him which made me fall in love all over again. Our ultrasound was very unclear because there was not much to see. We saw a tiny spec in the uterus but it was way to small and might not have even been the baby. My blood work tonight will tell us whether I am miscarrying or if it is rising still which would mean a possible ectopic. We know this little one will go straight to the arms of Jesus. We are sad to say the least, but somehow know it will be okay.

To Him be the Glory for blessing us with one of His children for even a short time,

Mrs. C

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Quick Update

We just got back from a wonderful trip to Mammoth. The fresh air was soooo refreshing and the getaway was exactly what we needed. I stopped thinking about "low numbers" for a whole week! We went to a family friends wedding that was set against a beautiful lake and an amazing mountain range that had swirls of colors. It was very peaceful and we really enjoyed time with the family and friends. 

As far as any symptoms go I do not have much to report. I have had some pulls and twinges in the lower region here and there but nothing else major to write about.  Our first ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday. I will be approximately 6.5 weeks or so.  I will update everyone on our progress then. Hugs to all :)


Mrs. C

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Beta #4

9   days past 5 day embryo transfer = 35
11 days past 5 day embryo transfer = 81
13 days past 5 day embryo transfer = 108
17 days past 5 day embryo transfer = 380

My numbers are quite low yet slowly rising. Our nurse told Mr. C it could go either way at this point.  No more betas will be scheduled (thank goodness!). I obviously have mixed emotions about the numbers. Happy they are rising, bummed they are very low.  Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday where I will be about 6.5 weeks and we hope to see a sac, baby, fetal pole, and possibly hear a heartbeat.

I have been extremely sensitive and emotional the last couple of days which has been tough for me and people around me (sorry friends).  I am trying give myself some slack because HECK, I am more juiced up than cattle in line (excuse the gross description but meat is grossing me out right now so I thought is was a nice fit here :)  as well as pregnant.  IVF is a hard, lengthy process. People keep telling me that if it were a natural pregnancy I would not know these numbers and it would be less stressful...DUH (sensitive much Mrs. C). The thing is, that its not a natural pregnancy, we did do IVF, and I do know these numbers - rEalitY.

Symptoms: I had some AF (period) type cramping all last night as well as left leg pain. It was scary, especially with these low betas.

Praise: I believe God is good always and witnessed His awesome power yesterday touching a life of someone Mr. C and I have been praying for a long time!

Advice for other IVF'ers: People are not perfect but HE is! Him, talk to Him constantly throughout this process. Poor out the truth to Him. HE is filled with forgiveness and comfort everyday through every emotion. HE isn't going to judge your up's and down's like yourself and or the world might.

Passion: I am passionate about talking to others going through Infertility. God has blessed me with a new empathy for IF (infertility) peeps.  I am thankful for this new awareness. I am thankful that I can help other people. I hate IF but I love the growth I have found through this process. If you are reading this and really just need someone to talk to please feel free to contact me via this post. I would love to let you vent, listen, and just be there during your walk. I am sooo grateful to have two friends to talk to that went through IVF before me. It really is helpful. Stepping Stone Infertility's website is also an amazing resource filled with women all over dealing with every type of IF.

So stoked to be pregnant today,

Mrs. C

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Beta #3 & on My Knees

108 @ 13 days past 5 day embryo transfer
It's low and not doubling so I have to go back on Tuesday. We are obviously discouraged but not defeated. Mr. C is much more positive than me which is great because one of us has to be ;)
Mr. C has been praying for us with such a faithful heart.  I have not been so ready to accept His will. A couple of days ago during prayer I got down on my knees and in tears finally dedicated this baby to Him. I am still on the roller coaster but I feel like He is sitting right next to me now. I know He has been there all along but I needed to let go of my grip and accept His will either way.
In my googling frenzy this past week I learned what phase of IVF we are in. It has a very special name: beta hell.  You are not told going into IVF about beta hell. It's a slow form of torture especially made for infertile myrtles going through IVF. You know to much, think to much, speculate to much, google to much, and everything else to much.  All the while you are pregnant, maybe for the first time in your life, like me right now! So you while you should be celebrating life you are inching through each day holding onto your numbers.
108 & on my knees,
Mrs. C

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Beta #2 & The Nut House

First things first. I took a digital test today and got a ugly, "not pregnant"! Really, come on, give me a break. Then, I took a FRER (First Response Early Something) and got a faint positive! Really, come on, give me a break. So I am pregnant but I'm not? Okay, I don't want to diminish that it was pretty cool to see our first positive POAS (pee on a stick) test ever.

Next, I had to go pick up some meds that I ran out of at our clinic today. Although my next test was scheduled for Friday, I asked to talk to my nurse about the ugly "not pregnant" but she was out for the day and Dr. Opera was in a meeting. 

The assistant said, "since you are here do you want us to do your 2nd beta test?"
"That would be awesome!" I happily accepted.
While she pricked me I asked, "So, we will get the results tomorrow sometime?"
"You will get the results tonight".
Ahhhh those were nice words to hear.

Beta #2 Results:
Doc Opera just called from his personal cell (he is the best) and told us that he is much more optimistic than he was earlier in the week. My beta had more than doubled and was now 81! Great news.

Beta #3 scheduled for Friday.

BTW: I am proclaiming myself to be officially nuts and I am totally cool with it.

How does a oyster become a pearl?

...through much irritation.

Not my will but Yours Lord!


Ye of Little Faith

The story of our first BFP!

The day was long. The nurse told us we would get our pregnancy test results back, "this afternoon". Our plan was for Mr. C to get the call and then he would deliver the news to me (poor Mr. C now that I think about that).  I worked well until about 1ish. Then my brain began playing tricks. "It's the afternoon" I thought to myself. Three ridiculous, slow, work-worthless hours later 4pm arrived. I couldn't take it anymore.  I locked up my office and walked down to the shop. Mr. C was on edge too. We sat in awful anticipation for another hour together. We came to the conclusion that late news was bad news and I had a good cry. One of our friends came by the shop for a visit. The phone rang. Mr. C answered. Our thoughtful friend looked at me and said, "do you want me to give you guys a minute?". I responded, "that would be awesome". At first Mr. C's face sunk and I sunk with him. Wait - then his face went sheet white and he got up and started pacing. Finally he came over and grabbed me. I looked up and whispered, "are we pregnant?". He nodded yes and then spoke the words, "we are pregnant!!!". I burst into tears of joy. I will never forget Mr. C's smile at that moment. Then he started pacing the shop listening to the nurse as she explained our low beta number and our next step. He asked numerous questions and after he hung up we were in complete and utter shock!

* Disclaimer: I am human

I feel like I have to justify what I am about to post by shouting, " I am SOOOOOOO thankful for this living soul inside of me!!!" and "SOOOOOO thankful for a positive pregnancy test!!" Hallelujah!!!...

My beta is low. I wish I never knew my beta number! Yesterday was bitter sweet. I was so joyful for the pregnancy yet so faithless about the outcome due to my first beta  number which was 35 at 9dp5det (9 days post 5day embryo transfer). The nurse described it as, "low but not horrible".  They would have liked it to be around 50. I will go in on Friday for my next beta. My beta should at least triple by then if the pregnacy is progressing well. If there was ever a time for TMI (to much information)...this is it! Seriously a crazy rollercoster people!

Oh Mrs. C, Ye of Little Faith!!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Beta Test #1 Results



Praise the Lord! OMGoodness. We are pregnant!!

Beta was a bit low so please pray for my numbers to shoot up by Friday which is my next appointment. We are both beaming and so tired from the long emotional day so I will get to our beta result story tomorrow. stoked and can't believe I'm even writing this!!!

Mrs. C

Still waiting...

Well....its 4pm and no results yet!!!! We r going mad. I am worthless at work and I can not believe this is taking so long!!!!
Beta results hopefully soon to be posted.
Mrs. C

Sunday, August 26, 2012

8 Days Post 5 Day Embryo Transfer

One more day. One more day and Mr. C and I will find out if my stomach will pop out over the next 9 months and I can eat whatever I want, or if I go back to boot camp and hot yoga in an attempt to get rid of my medicine belly. One more day and we will find out if all of these "symptoms" I am having are from the shots or growing baby/ies.  One more day.  It is hard to describe the last few days. I guess you could say that I am in a daze. I have been working lightly, hanging out with family and friends, and clinging to Mr. C all the while 3/4 of me is completely alert, aware, and frankly a little ridiculous. I can not help but imagine every twinge inside my stomach and womb being growth, and then the darker thoughts creep in and I imagine the wicked witch of the month coming at any moment. Other than the on and off cramping, my "girls" are HUGE...even Mr. C's mama pointed it out this morning. Of course we both laughed and smiled hoping with each other that a pregnancy, and not the trigger shots, was causing this growth.

We are talking about having our immediate family over tomorrow for pizza and either good or bad news. I was a little nervous about being completely crushed in front of the everyone all at once but now I am thinking, "who better to be crushed in front of?"..."nobody". Our families rock in good and bad so I can't think of a better way to get the news.

I know this is just one small step in the amazing process of life. I know that a positive does not mean a full, healthy 9 month pregnancy.  But from a gal who has never seen any kind of pregnancy: chemical, ectopic, etc..., I am seeing this first step of getting us pregnant as a BIG milestone.

I will post our results either way tomorrow. Thank you so much for all your prayers, emails, texts, notes, etc...
Your encouragement has kept me going. Your humor has lightened my mood. Your kindness has touched me.

Positive or Negative - God is Good!

1 more day and so over counting,

Mrs. C

Friday, August 24, 2012


You know that mental and emotional awesomeness I was feeling all week, and wrote about yesterday? Poof....Gone!  Literally a few hours after I posted yesterday I had my first mental break-down which lead to my first emotional melt-down. BLURG! I completely blame the drugs! Crocodile tears running down my face, I could not even describe in words to Mr. C what was wrong (CRAZY MEDS!!).  At the very least it did feel like kind of a relief to get it out and today I am doing good. This wait is just nuts!

2.5 days and still counting,

Mrs. C

Thursday, August 23, 2012

5 Days Post 5 Day Embryo Transfer

Okay, so here we are 5 days post our 5 day embryo transfer and so far I have been pretty mentally and emotionally strong through this cycle.  I am mostly attributing this relaxed state to my awesome support system!  My husband has encouraged staying away from work as much as possible and my mom, dad, friends, and family have been lifting, cleaning, cooking, taking me out for lunch and to the park. I do not think I have ever been this relaxed in my life :) What a fantastic group of people I am blessed with!!!! I also have been talking to HIM constantly, which I normally do, but anytime worry trys to creep in I immediately meet HIM in my heart and ask for HIS peace and comfort.  I have also been so stoked with Mr. C. His faith through this whole thing has carried me. He is not afraid (like me) to ask HIM to bless us with a child - so he does and it is a beautiful act of faith.

I have to admit that I have been googling here and there things like, "3 days past 5 day embryo transfer symptoms" and "how many ivf cycles did it take you to get your BFP (otherwise known as a Big Fat Positive)."  I like to read the success stories because it keeps my spirits lifted and gives me hope.  I have noticed that I have been going back and forth between trying to guard myself by telling myself, "okay Mrs. C this very well might not happen. In fact it probably won't" and "yes, this is it! This is going to work! Mr. C is going to be a daddy and you are going to be a mommy".  The waiting is the hardest part! Mr. C and I have thus far committed to not testing early because I had to take 2 trigger shots which is pretty much a big dose of pregnancy symptoms; so we don't want to end up with a false positive before the blood (BETA) test on Monday. That would just plain suck!

Symptoms (whether they be from meds or possible pregnancy):

1.  I have had sore tata's since the beginning of meds so I am pretty sure its the meds on this one. My girls have definitely filled out, changed color, and hurt more over the past 2 days though.
2.  Very small bouts of nausea. Just a little uneasy running to the bathroom or anything.      Typically happens at night
3.  Times of extreme tiredness
4.  Low back ache mostly at night. I hear this one as well as the rest can be a progesterone side-affect
5.  Crampy here and there. At night it is more frequent. Some days more than others.
6. Hunger...but then I'm always hungry, or think I am, according to those who know me best ;)

4 more days and absolutely counting!!!

Peace Out,
Mrs. C

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Daily Dose

Yes, all this goes in to create and mantain a nice home for our embies.

Monday, August 20, 2012

2 Days Post Transfer

5-Day Transfer

Days Past
Transfer (DPT)
Embryo Development
OneThe blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
TwoThe blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
ThreeThe blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
FourImplantation continues
FiveImplantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
SixHuman chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
SevenFetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
EightFetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
NineLevels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Embryo Transfer


Crazy, amazing, tears...those are the words I have for our Embryo Transfer this morning. Oh yeah, it was uncomfortable (more than I expected) but its hard for me to use that word when we just were a part of something soooo awesome!

When we arrived we met with Dr. Opera (I'll get to his new nick-name later) and discussed our full Embryo Report.  Four embies made it to transfer day.  So here is the break down:
12 eggs retrived
10 matured
8 fertilized normal
4 kept growing and made it to transfer day
1 out of the 4 made it to the blastocyst stage and the other 3 were a little slower. Dr. Opera showed us a picture of all 4.  The embie in the bastocyst stage was a perfect circle with a lot of activity going on inside it. The other 3 looked smaller, not as perfect shape, and less activity (but they all looked perfect to me). We discussed our numbers and how many we wanted to transfer and decided on 2 which was pretty much our desion from the start, but it was a tad bit tempting for us to blurt out, "put 3 in Doc!" .  Our other 2 will be frozen for later.  Next came the transfer.

Mr. C and I were in the same room as my egg retrieval. Our Dr. came in humming pretty loud what sounded like The Phantom of the Opera, which made me laugh and inquire. He said that it was in fact a new pop song he keeps hearing that sounds just like Phantom.  We went on to chat about seeing Phantom and Dr. Opera's recent and pleasantly surprised viewing of Cline Dion which made me laugh too.  The room was set up for a pap-type event but I would not describe it like that (even though I have read it to be much like a pap). For me, the prep for the transfer was pretty uncomfortable; lots of tugging, pulling, washing, weird noises, tubes, and light pain; however, I just breathed through it all as Mr. C massaged my head which totally helped.  Dr. Opera explained and showed on the screen his game plan and to Mr. C's advantage he spoke in golf terms. He showed us on the screen with the catheter where he was going to go put our embies. We all agreed it looked like a dog leg right hole and our golf expert Mr. C confirmed. They called the lab to bring our embryos. Dr. Opera put them into a catheter and said, "here they go,". Mr. C took a picture of the screen. Then we watched our two embies be shot inside via syringe and kinda twirl around. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Dr. Opera stood up and crossed his fingers and smiled.  And that is that.

I started my 2 day post embryo transfer bed-rest as soon as we got in the car.  I am realizing that Mr. C is right when he says, "you can't sit still", because I am struggling already through 1 day. Ha! Never thought of myself that way but I do like getting stuff done. If I were at the beach or pool - different story - but "no swimming" is on my restriction list so housebound I am.  Thankfully I was completely wiped from my lack of sleep the prior night so I pretty much slept the day away. I have some cramping here and there and my system is kinda starting to get back to a normal place. I am still taking all the prior meds plus 2 more suppositories - yuck!

Praising HIM for the life HE created and allowed inside me. Thanking HIM for Dr. Opera and his amazing team. Praying for the implantation process to occur and a healthy full term pregnancy.

Now we wait for the 27th which will be our pregnancy test.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

It's 3am and I'm Awake

It is 3:30am the morning of our 1st Embryo Transfer :) and I am awake - Bummer.  As much as I would like to tough it out and pretend I'm all good, the progesterone/PIO (progesterone in Oil shots) side affects are starting to take a little toll. I am - TMI - totally backed-up ( to put it politely), my tatas hurt, a bit grumpy, and the injections sites feel bruised making it hard to get comfortable.  Supposedly, (people like to remind me) some of these physicality's are common early pregnancy symptoms which I will gladly take on - when I am actually pregnant.  Its a funny thing in the infertile world. I don't know what it is but many like to make me aware that I should just get used to these physical and emotional things because, "its not going to get any easier." One of my other not-so-favs is when peeps present to me their kids and say (in front of their kids) "are you sure you don't want to reconsider" or "want to borrow mine to make sure".  Yes, someone literally pulled their kido in front of me yesterday as asked me if I want to reconsider going through with it all because their little one was grumpy.  I know these lovely people do not mean harm so I usually can let is slide pretty quick.  I also know and truly believe that being a parent is the hardest job on earth so I'll give them all some slack because hopefully I'll need that slack some day.  Although sleeping through the night would have been welcomed I am cool with being awake right now because I have 2 days complete bed rest ahead of me - plenty of time to sleep! But enough about that.

As soon as my minor physical ailments faded this early am I began thinking about Hannah. I woke up not thinking about how God blessed her with children, but about how HE recognized and included Hannahs' barrenness, and therefore grief in HIS Living Word. Then, I started thinking about Jesus walking the earth just as we do. Man! Sometimes I just can't believe how much HE loves us. How precious to be loved so much.

Anyway, enough thoughts for this early hour. Time to watch an old black and white and try to fall asleep, or at the very least watch the minutes go by.

Mrs. C

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Day 3 Fert Report

Hurray! So far so good. Doc called today saying that 8 embies are still fertilizing normal and thriving! Great news! I did not ask any questions regarding how the embies are dividing, or stages they are in. Honestly, I do not need any information to get me googling up a storm. Better to be patient and wait. Saturday is right around the corner and if there is one thing I have learned is that nothing is a sure thing in the process. One day at a time. Our embies could be thriving today, but gone tomorrow. So for now, I am trusting His Will, the doc, the nurses and just going with it.

I am definitely learning to live in the moment. People keep asking me if I'm nervous, excited, scared... To be honest I am doing pretty good but yes, I feel all of these feeeelings at certain times. I am - yes again I use this word  - CONSCIOUSLY making an effort to live in the moment and not look to far past the current day.  It is becoming more of a challenge and I can only imagine what it is like during the 2WW (which is thankfully cut to a short 8 day wait because my clinic tests that early after transfer) WHEWWW....that helps! But anywho, is hard to relax as much as possible, not work to hard, and then not think to much/google to much. You know? Mr. C logically (as usual I can count on his logic) said the other day,  "don't work to hard or to long, but keep busy with a book you are totally into or  movies that will keep your attention." Good advice Mr. C! By the way Day One after Egg Retrieval of our embies was our 7 year anniversary...we think this is very cool!

Lord. Heavenly Father Above,
Thank YOU for YOUR continued-always-forever presence in our lives. Thank YOU for our friends, family, and support team! Thank YOU for giving us the opportunity to even try IVF financially, emotionally, physically,  and every way and everything else it takes.  I am weak but YOU ARE STRONG. My feelings come and go but YOUR love, mercy and grace withstands! I am once again in awe of YOUR outstanding glory.
Mrs. C

Fert Report & In-Between Days

We received a call the day after retrieval with our fert report: 8 fertilized embies :)  I should get another call today to schedule for our 5 day transfer, which will land on Saturday, as well as a Fert report.

I went back to work the day after retrieval for a few hours and then spent the rest of the day at the beach with my sister-in-law, niece, nephew, cousin, and Mr. C's mama.  Yesterday I'm pretty sure that even though I took it way easy at work, I worked a little to long because by the time I made it home I was completely zombied out.  Just another reminder to take it easy as this is a huge investment. So far I am feeling pretty good this week. I get super bloated by the evening to the point where I look a couple months pregos and I get tired pretty quick.  From what I have heard the progesterone shots can give you this bloat side affect. It seems to subside in the morning and blow up like a balloon by mid-day and then into full solid form by evening. Besides the progesterone shots I am currently taking; baby aspirin, prednisone, etrace, z-pak (to prevent infection after egg retrieval), and the obvious pre-natal and folic acid supplements. 

The number one advice I have received thus far is to do as little as possible and be stress free.  I am kind of thinking that the stress free state of mind is nice and hoping it will last long after the transfer and into the rest of my life...I wish right! I am praising Him that I have had this opportunity to learn and put into practice this way of life.  Summary: Over analyzing is over rated for sure!

I will update with our next Fert Report as soon as I know...praying for lots of strong division (is that an oxymoron or what) and thriving embies!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Egg Retrieval

Doc order 2 trigger shots of Ovidrel for Saturday night at 8:30 on the dot.  Sunday I got a shot free day...hurray, and welcomed a needle free 24 hours.  Our Egg Retrieval (ER) was scheduled for 7:30 on Monday morning. I made a conscious effort not to read or investigate to much on the procedure. I am finding that the more I know the more nervous I get. Better to be left in the dark on some things, especially when it includes putting me out, needles, shots, operations, etc... 

Monday morning we arrived at the clinic at 7am. I filled out the normal pre-opp paper work, vitals were taken, and I used the restroom.  Around 7:20 I was taken to the operation room and Mr. C was told it would be about a 1/2 hour total procedure with changing time. I quickly undressed and put on the operation robe, booties, and cap.  As soon as I laid down the anesthesiologist came and in explained that he was going to administer the meds that would put me in a twilight state. So, I would be totally asleep but breathing on my own.  He explained that it is the same drug that Michael Jackson was addicted to for sleep and that I would feel euphoric when I woke up.  I chatted with the anesthesiologist for about 10 minutes while he hooked up my iv and oxygen.  Then our Dr. came in and said hi and 30 seconds later I was out.  The next thing I remember was waking up and feeling pretty darn good...nothing like the laparoscopy general anesthesia journey I had been through. I was rolled to a small curtain room where I rested a few minutes and then Mr. C was brought back to sit with me.  After about 10 minutes of resting our awesome Dr. came in and said that he got 12 eggs! Obviously more than he and we expected as we ere all smiling and totally happy with the results. He literally looked relieved and said, "everything came out smooth and it looks great!." He then explained that 9 eggs were fully matured, 2 were possible, and 1 might not make it. He also explained that he was 90% sure we would have a 5 day transfer which would land on Saturday. Considering we were expecting and hoping for at least 8 and expecting a 3 day transfer we were very pleased. After the good news our nurse came back and gave us post-opp directions and my new meds calender. Our favorite post-opp direction was, "the doctor says not to drive and definitely do not make any critical" Mr. C helped me get dressed and we were in the car around 9:15. 

My mom met us at the shop so Mr. C could work and she took me home and set me up for a day of rest.  I had a tiny bit of bleeding once and some cramping throughout the day. I took a couple Tylenol to help with the cramping and took it easy the whole day. I had two dear friends and Mr. C's mama come for visits bearing gifts and hugs which was totally welcomed and appreciated! I took a long deep nap and pretty much had a normal appetite the whole day but ate light knowing that my system was not quite awake yet.  I took my new meds including the the newest being progesterone shot.  I was feeling a little nervous about this one because I had heard it was worse than Lupron, Bravelle/Menupor shots, however; it was not that bad and was totally bearable. I woke up today feeling a little more achy, tired, and crampy and it reminded me that I did indeed have a operation and to take it slow today.  Overall I will say the Egg retrieval was a smooth experience for me and the hardest thing is making myself rest even though I feel pretty good.

Catch Up

Fridays appointment: Doc saw 10 possible follies, a few mature and the rest we will see :)  My estradiol hit 2200, so Friday was my last dose of Bravelle/Menupor and Lupron.  The nurse called me Friday afternoon and said Doc wanted us to take 2 shots of Ovidrel at 830pm on the dot on Saturday night.  Sunday I get a day off shots and will continue the prednisone and begin fasting at midnight to prepare for anesthesia.  Our egg retrieval is Monday morning, (wow...cant believe I am actually writing this)!  It is about a 1 1/ hour total long process and then I am on bed rest all of Monday.  We will receive a call on Tuesday from Doc to give us an update. Our transfer date will either be on Thursday or Saturday depending on how many embryos we have. (again, can't believe I am writing this).
He told us we have a 50/50 chance. 50/50 chance. To be honest, I don't know exactly how I feel or what I think about our odds. I guess kind of indifferent because I know He is in control. I welcoming this calm I have as well as my support team! I am praising Him for this peace. Yes, there is a little nerves here and there but nothing like before. I am more nervous about the possible side affects of meds and the procedure than anything right now. At this point our game plan has been to take one appointment and one day at a time. I have also come to realize that the more I rest and the more water I drink the better I feel.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

A Day Off

Well, yesterday turned out to be a rough day, physically and emotionally. The doctor said my estradiol levels were quite high making it a shoe-in for an emotional day. Everything seemed a bit tougher, but thankfully not to much to handle.  The shots hurt a little more, my stomach was upset, I was "backed up", no appetite, headache, couldn't sleep, weepy. So, I woke up this morning and decided to take the day off...the whole day off. A rarity for me, but a great choice!! I felt good all day, enjoyed the company of a friend and her boys, watched the US women's soccer team kick some bootie, cooked din with the hubby and enjoyed it with the padres. Many loved ones have told me over the last week, "this is the time to be nice to yourself." Taking today off was just that and I am very thankful for it!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day 6 Stim

Todays' Appointment:

- 1500 Estradiol levels = 1 day of 3 to 1 Bravelle/Menupor and 1 day of 2 to 1 Bravelle/Menupor
- Doc says my levels are high for how follies are growing but its not horrible.  Thankfully, Doc also confirmed why I woke up at 3am emotional today...estrogen, estrogen, estrogen. Made me content with my emotions knowing that my levels were so high.
- Doc saw about 10 follies today. He prefers 15 at this point but 10 is definitely something to work with.

Okay...onto the meds! Holy Kamolie! I was expecting a 5x5 box to arrive with the rest of our meds, but man this box is huge, contains is own cooler, and is packed full of meds injectables, needles, etc...  The first thing Mr. C says is, "and that all has to all go in you at some point." We both gave each other a look that screamed YIKES!!

We have another appointment on Friday so we shall see.


1. Take one appointment at a time
2. Talk to someone who has been through the process often during your reminds you that you are not alone. I did this today and it was such a blessing! The first thing my friends said was, "I remember feeling that exact same way!"..what a relief to hear those words.

Helpful Link of the Day:

New Book: Love Out Loud; 365 Devotions for Loving God, Loving Yourself, and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer

Praise: Growth

Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 4 of Stim Process

Estrodial Levels Today: 647

Meds lowered again: 3 to 1 Bravelle/Menopur
Resume: 25 units Lupron
Resume: 20mg Predisone

* Next apointment Wed. morning where I will have an ultrasound to see how the follies are responding to the stim

PS. If you have to take Predisone for Stim...take it in the Morning and drink lots and lots of water!!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

The Stim Process

We have officially started the Stim process of our second (our first being canceled due to a cyst) IVF cycle.  We went in Friday morning for an ultrasound, blood work, and to pick up our meds.  Our doctor and nurses took us step by step through the stim process and meds distribution. They were incredible with their explanations and actually had a fake tummy to practice shots on.  The nurse explained she would call us later that day and based on our results tell us when to start the shots.  I received a call Friday night and the nurse said to take the shots that evening and also that my estrodial levels came back a bit off, so the doctor wanted to me to come back in on Saturday morning for more blood work. Team Mr. C and Mama Nurse gave me my first set of shots on Friday evening.  Not to bad. I went in on Saturday morning and got a prick and waited for the doctor to call to tell me that we would either cancel this cycle, up my dose, or lower my dose.  Saturday evening our Doctor called and said to keep the dose going but reduce it from 5/1 to 4/1.  The stim process will last about 10 days depending on how the follies progress.

I am taking the following meds (Two shots a day and predisone):
& of course Prenatal & folic Acid
I was also given two more prescriptions and was told not to fill them yet so I haven't even looked at them.

The Process:
Two shots are given every night about an inch below my belly button and spread out in different spots to help with the tenderness.  The lupron is a very simple, quick, small-needled shot that I can barely feel.  The Bravelle and Menopur are in powered form and have to be mixed with water using a syringe.  This shot has a slightly bigger needle and a bit of a sting but really a lot easier than I thought.  I watched Mr. C become a chemist overnight and it was really awesome that he participated in the whole thing. I would highly recommend to anyone going through the stim process to ask your hubby to be involved. Thankfully, we also had mama nurse standing by to teach us both and help when needed. I am hoping to have a video post by tonight to share what the shots are actually like.

The Side Affects:
Friday and Saturday were great and I have no side affects to mention. Early Sunday morning the side-affects kicked in.  I woke up at 3am hot and sweaty, sick to my stomach, a headache, and wide-eyed AWAKE! I was told that the Predisone might keep me up and I am pretty sure that is were the headache came from too.  I also had a few small, what the doctor named, "crying spells" - embarrassingly happy spells from watching What Not To Wear as well as hugging my mom.  I feel asleep about 7am and got another hour of welcomed rest.  Other than that, my stomach is starting to get a little tender from the 4 shots thus far but nothing unbearable. 

The Feelings:
It was and is my first reaction to insert a big :) after every sentence in this post because I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I have been down the high-hopes road and have learned to step back and take this process one appointment at a time. But I'll admit it; I'm excited and nervous, but thankfully a bit calmer and settled then ever before which I attribute to a bit of a numbness and my previous rides on this roller coaster: in other words experience.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The 3rd Burst was by far the Worst!

Last week our first IVF cycle was canceled due to a ovarian cyst...

It happened again. Last night around I have no idea what time it was pm, I woke up in pain.  I new what it was and immediately woke up Mr. C asking for help.  It got a lot worse, very, very quickly. I tried to get up and got stuck in a bent over position, afraid to move, having excruciating pain radiating in my stomach. In the past, I would describe my ovarian cysts bursting as feeling like having stomach surgery w/o being put under.  This time was worse. It felt like someone was doing surgery on my stomach with 20 knives stabbing simultaneously.  I wondered if labor felt like this. I started blacking in and out and asked Mr. C. to help me to the restroom thinking I was going to throw up from the pain. Then I had to use the restroom all the sudden, but couldn't. It was horrible. I was crying and couldn't move w/o help. I told Mr. C that maybe I should go to ER, he asked if he should call 911 and I said no (not my smartest moment). I knew what would happen though. They would tell me to ride it out, give me some pain meds and hook me up to all sorts of fun things. Not much can be done for a collapsed cyst.  After about a 1/2 hour the pain became more manageable. So, Mr. C helped me to bed and I laid there crying from the scare of pain I had just been through.  Now, I am kind of regretting not going because it is un-documented.   I did however email my doctor today to make sure they knew what happened and they followed up with a call to make sure everything was okay.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

months later...

About two, and what feels like six life-filled months have gone by since my blog deletion.  Life was very busy, and filled with lots of birthdays, family, parties, etc, ; all the goods :) I knew I was in for a busy season so that was my main reason for deleting the blog for awhile.

Now, on to my infertility newsflash: 
I have been on estrogen and progesterone for about two weeks preparing for our first ivf cycle. Exciting stuff!  The only side affects were -system disruption & headaches- but nothing I could not manage.  Today we had our appointment to start the "stim" process of the ivf cycle. Unfortunately during my umpteenth ultrasound, they found that I had a cyst on my right ovary, which means ivf canceled this month. Bummer... bummed...did I mention I was bummed? Bummed, but okay.

Things I learned today:
1.  Infertility treatment can be a long process (okay, I already knew that but had a healthy reminder today), and nothing during that process is a sure thing.
2.  Mr. C rocks!
3.  No there is not a good reason for this, but Yes He can make good of it.

Anywho, since we are back in action I thought I would start up the blog again. 

Until next time,
Mrs. C

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


"How are you feeling?", she asked me the other day. "About What?", knowing all to well  what she was referring to.  I couldn't answer because it was all boiling up inside me.

- Impatience - frustration - jealously - guilt -

Been walking around the mountain again...UGH!!!...

Lord thank You for loving me anyways.

We are in this "waiting period" within the infertility world, and let me tell you it sucks! Yes, I know HE is stretching me/us, but man it is not easy sometimes (and don't get me wrong peeps; I dont think that having a baby with make everything cake and ice-cream). 

I have not blogged in awhile because all the sudden I started feeling very vunerable putting this all out there. I started envisioning my readers instantly judging my inner thoughts (yes, I obviously think I'm soooo important). And on top of that ridiculous imagery within my selfish mind, I had been following a fellow infertile myrtles’ blog; and instead of being happy when she found out they were pregos, I was jealous, and then I was guilty, and then I relished in it -Yikes! (you think I would be happy for them and that it would give me hope...but nope...I'm human)

So, I decided to get down on my knees and start again, then replaced these silly human thoughts with some Glorifed Armor (Deuteronomy. 10:20), and finally blog away about my guts, my sin, my hurt, my vulnerabilities.

So if you are out there, and you care, pray that I will "...hold fast to Him..."(Deuteronomy 10:20) through this.

Until next time,
Mrs. C

Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Gift from the Lord

Hard to find the words,  harder to find a description.  A bounty of emotion, happy tears.  A humbled heart, a thankful soul. Faithful friends, and a gift from the Lord.

Monday, April 2, 2012

My Moose

There is something to be said for furry friends and the infertility hole. I have heard from many other infertile myrtles about how their furry friends fill some of the baby desires they get. I know it probably sounds funny to you baby mamas out there, but next time your infertile friend throws her dog into the baby conversation listen up - because she considers them her kid/s. 
The timing of this post is not random. My Moose (aka our 12 1/2 yr old golden) is not doing well this week.  I am holding onto to the hope that it's just a bad couple days but I know deep down that I am lucky to have had him this long. Mr. C told me this morning, "prepare yourself for bad news".  Tears welling up I foolishly replied, "what kind of bad news?"- knowing all to well what he meant. And now I'm thinking to myself how devastated I will actually be when we lose our Bubba, our Smoodie, our sweet precious Moose.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

More of HIM

I am overwhelmed with a sense of HIS presence lately and with this has come less of me (loving it). I haven't posted in a few days because I have been inundated with words like, " quick to listen, slow to speak , and slow to wrath" and "bite your tongue Mrs C." and "check your heart and your intentions", and " less of you and more of ME and them". ...I am in the midst of HIM changing my heart and to be honest I don't have a lot to say about me and infertility today. But I can share of the hope and peace I have found in HIM and HIS WORDS.

All of last year I kept hearing "put on My armour Mrs C".  I knew what it meant but I didn't want to sacrifice my time, and I didn't want to see my heart. Little did I know what I was missing out on! So today I just want to Praise HIS NAME and virtually shout of His healing hands and tender love! HE fills my holes and gaps. HE is the great teacher of loving others. HE has the victory! Thank YOU Father.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Distracting Dancing

Just when I think I am doing good, I cry. Its funny (but not really) how it sneaks up on me.  Another waiting period has got me a bit bummed out I reckon.  I know that it is normal, and that we are taking the steps we need too, but that doesn't make it easy. 

Thursday, March 22, 2012

HIS Persistence

Have you ever had those times in life when HE whispers the same thing to you over and over again through different avenues?  I have it happen a lot and boy did I sure fight HIM on this last round.

I have been having the same conversation with HIM for awhile now, you know that one-sided conversation that looks like, "yeah hi, I am really busy." Then, "oh yeah I'm so sorry I forgot to get back to YOU about that." Next, "I really don't want to talk to YOU about that." After that, " I REALLY don't like what YOU are telling me, which makes me think that I just might not like YOU" (ouch, hurts to admit that tidbit). Finally, "Okay I hear YOU and I'm ready. By the way, thanks for waiting."

...a final submission....ahhhh that felt good, but man why did it take me so long?

Thank goodness for HIS persistence!  HE found me in my bed, in my car, at work, watching a movie, with friends, with family, singing. You name it, HE found me in that place and softly and gently whispered to my heart.  HE did not leave me.

Now the goods:

 * Disclaimer: I am human *

Mrs. C I am shaping you right now through this.
What a horrible way to shape me, I don't agree with this method.
Mrs. C I love you.
Yeah, I know, I think.
Mrs. C you are learning how to be patient like ME.
I am sad though, I really want this and I don't think its fair that I have to wait.
Mrs. C you are learning how to be patient like ME. Remember you prayed for me to rip through that flesh of yours and to have less of you and more of ME? I heard you.
I prayed that? I must be crazy!
Mrs. C Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1 2-4
Thank YOU Father :) I love you too.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Clomid / Hello Endo

Dear Clomid,
I hate you. I know its harsh because you are supposed to help; but you give me hot flashes, you mess with my vision, you make my stomach pop out, you make me feel pregnant, you make me late, you make me have ridiculous mood swings, grrrrrr...

Hello Endo,
I didn't miss you, but you came back. I went through surgery to get rid of you but you must like me.  You make my back hurt very bad at night. You give me long, painful, heavy cycles. You make it hard for me to get pregos.  Please go away and DON'T come back another day!

Monday, March 19, 2012

A Prayer

Please Lord give me patience. Help me not to try and jump ahead of You. Help me not to try and take control. Help me to trust in You and Your plans. Help me to see past myself. Lord give me Your heart for others. Thank You for loving me through all my weaknesses. Thank You for my friends, family, and for blessing me with faith in You.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Postitive Side of Things

1.  We didn't have to go through numerous IUI's like so many other TTC'ers do, only to find out that IVF/adoption are our options (my heart goes out to those of you that have been down that road)
2.  Our faith has grown
3.  Our marriage has grown
4.  I have a brand new perspective of our Merciful, Loving Savior
5.  I have made new friends
6.  I learned how to blog
7.  I have learned about how my body works
8.  Women I know and some I barely know have opened up to me
9. I am starting to commit His words to my heart
10. I have faced the state of my human heart forcing me to run to Him
11. I have grown closer to family

To Be Continued ...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

My Big FAT Prideful Heart

My Pride at its Best:
1.  Snooki is pregnant now?...come on God really? (sorry Snooki, I don't even know you)
2.  I have totally been walking with You lately (1st showing);  therefore, I really deserve a baby now God (2nd showing).
3.  Even though I know you need a few minutes to let it soak in, let's pray about this right now Mr. C. I just really need to prove how holy I can be. (Mr. C knows I'm sorry for this one)

List is I'm Sure To be continued...

Dear Jesus,
Thank You for showing me these things. It definitely makes me say OUCH when I become aware but it sure is nice to take it back to the You and let it go again. Which reminds me, thank You for dying on the cross for my sins, my pride, my eternity! I am in awe of Your mercy and Your grace right now.
Love Your prideful daughter,
Mrs. C

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Yes I admit it; the burrito made me feel good (temporarily of course). I decided that it is not the day for the 2 shake diet. Nope - it is a day to give yourself a little leeway, a little slack Mrs. C; because gosh I am seriously being tested at every corner and the day has just begun. An hour into my day I had to bow my head and just ask that He give me a humble heart, patience, kindness, strength, forgiveness...blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc... 

I bought it secretly, (because its a little to early for lunch, so this would be considered 2nd breakfast today) ate it in my office, and it truly made me feel good. I know that food is not the true source of joy, but boy did it sure feel like it for a moment. The warm, egg, cheese, potato burrito with salsa and sour cream gave me a smile today and I will relish in it; even though now I feel stuffed, tired, and fat :)  Okay its out there, and now that I humiliated myself this blog has somehow just become an accountablity partner.

My True Source of Joy:

Psalm 16:8-11

New King James Version (NKJV)
I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.
10 For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
11 You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Monday, March 12, 2012

2.35 Minutes

I had to take a time out after Monday NO Fun Day appointment.  It was the quickest, worst appointment we have had yet. In a nutshell, we were told in approximately 2.35 mins that in-vitro is our only option, we are not candidates for IUI's, here is your bill, and have a good day.  I'm pretty sure, by the way Mr. C looked, that we both felt like we got punched in the stomach.  We knew this could happen but were obviously hoping for different news. After a good round in the ring on the way home (Mr.C vs Mrs.C), we realized that we needed to take it to HIM together in prayer.  All I can say is thank goodness we ended that one on a high note - What a rollercoster!

A paraphrase of something I heard yesterday: Our life circumstances are not coincidences but are opportunities to either grow closer to HIM or harden our hearts and reject HIM.

Monday no fun day

Blurg... Monday no fun day :(

Are You Kidding Me?

Its been what, a week since I started a blog opening up about this struggle? And man, HE has totally surpassed my expectations. I have heard beautiful testimonies: testimonies about infertility and the Hand of God moving through hearts. I had an unexpected visit from an amazing women to my work.  I have had encouragement from so many. I have a renewed trust in HIM I have not had for awhile. I received a beautiful hand made bracelet from twins in Africa along with an amazing fertility kit like I've never see before. I realized once AGAIN that I am not alone.  Did I just hear you say "Are you kidding me?"...I hope so. I hope you see His glory, His mercy and His love at the hands of His children. Because that is what we are here for right? To lift each other up, to encourage, to humbly come before Him together. I have to get ready for Monday Fun Day so I'm cutting the overflow of my heart off, but I just had to share a tidbit of God's awesome work!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Monday Fun Day

2 more days. 2 more days and we sit down with our doc and discuss the results of the blood, the swimmers, the levels - The Initial Workup.  We have had this appointment before, with our last specialist, so we think we know what is coming; however, there is one new test this round: The Clomid Challenge Test  (aka Made Me Certifiably Crazy Test). For some reason I am a tid bit anxious about this test result. I guess it is because of what I have read (which reminds me once again not to play doctor via google- but I did it anyways, Ha!).  It appears that the results of this test help doctors find women with decreased ovarian reserve (see below).  As far as I can tell (via Dr. Google) my levels look good, but I am a little anxious that I am setting myself up for a downer, AGAIN.  I already have a left kinky tube, endometriosis, and have a lifetime of pregnant-less so hey, lets just add decreased ovarian reserve to the mix! Anyways, I am sarcastically declaring Monday as Fun Day, or so we shall see.

My Clomid Challenge Test Numbers:
Day 3 FSH = 6.8     Estradiol = 34.7
Day 10 FSH = 5.5  Estradiol = ?

"The term used to describe a woman's chance for conceiving is ovarian reserve. Ovarian reserve can be described as normal or poor. The tests used to predict ovarian reserve have limitations. For example, a test that shows poor ovarian reserve is very predictive for women who won't get pregnant. On the other hand, if a test shows normal ovarian reserve, it does not mean that she will definitely get pregnant. This is a very important concept. A test that shows normal ovarian reserve hasn't really helped you predict your chances. A test that shows poor ovarian reserve predicts a very poor chance for getting pregnant."

Friday, March 9, 2012

Dear Father

Dear Heavenly Father,

When I woke up this morning my first thoughts were of the TWW (Two Week Wait) I am currently in and I began to sulk and loath every minute of it...Lord, I am sorry. My heart is bitter this morning and harbors anger.  I pray you would help me to stop those weeds from taking root in my heart.  It's so easy for me to put other people, things, feelings, fears, and desires before You.  Lord, search my heart this morning.  Make me aware of anything or anyone else I put before You.  Help me to remember that this world will not last but Your Kingdom is my true future.  Help me to store my treasures in heaven and not here on earth.  Thank You for Your gentle love, Your comfort and Your healing hand that so quickly soothed my hurting heart this morning.  Father open the eyes to my heart, and help me to love others as You would today.

In Your Precious Name,


Thursday, March 8, 2012

My Clomid Side Effects Timeline

Day 5-9: take 100mg clomid
Day 10: Hard time sleeping, hot flashes, Blurred vision. Tracers.  Flashing lights. Extreme emotions.
Day 11-14: nothing much...just tired, a headache here and there . Thought I got off easy this round.
Day 15: beginning of day - super happy and high on life...end of day-  ovulation pain,  bloating, tired, stomach popping out, cranky, lower back pain, headache. Pretty much feel like crap right now :(

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

View From Below

Oh let me count the occasions I have spent fifteen minutes staring at my toes...
Mr. C & I have been told by many a fellow TTCer's about the power of gravity and therefore I lie here with a view from below.  I usually try to cheat and get up early but not on Mr. C's clock, no siree! - This is serious buisness you know. - Thankfully, on this particular evening I am staring at a beautiful Orange Punch pedi Mr. C ordered me to get last week during the clomid crazies :)

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Countdown

Am I the only one that feels like it's a constant countdown when trying to conceive (TTC)? I find myself questioning myself..."is it day 13 or day 14 Mrs. C?" (because one day could make a huge difference in the TTC world!).  I am constantly looking at my calendar counting to find days between my last period (AF) and ovulation (O), or my FAVORITE...the two week wait (TWW)...NOT!  If I am not counting, our doctor is counting.  In fact, Mr. C is always counting now too, and either asks or reminds me daily what today means in accordance with our TTC plan; what a man! Currently, I am in the O countdown. We are fully prepared with sticks, and directions, and kits of all sorts.  I could probably become more organized but I tried the whole calendar EVERYTHING plan and found it to be too consuming.  So I will continue to count the days and figure out what comes next.

Sunday, March 4, 2012


I was reminded this morning of a simple awesome truth: God is so good. HE is my comfort,  He is where my peace and rest come from. Press into Me, I hear Him speak to my heart.  Lean on me, He softly whispers. And my heart cries Thank You Father for this reminder!

Saturday, March 3, 2012


A few weeks ago as I spilled my infertile guts to a beloved confidante I was put in my place.  The words that stuck were: "...have some tenacity through this." She also reminded me that as much as I have dwelt on my aloneness in this infertility that I AM NOT ALONE. And while I know, and most of the time trust in Gods plan for my life, I was reminded that it is ok to grieve and be sad sometimes about infertility.  You see, I was feeling guilty for feeling sad because I know so many people in the world suffer through so many extremely difficult times; like having enough food to eat, shelter, a job, the loss of a loved one. I did not feel like my infertility was worthy of some honest pain in my heart. But that is just what the enemy wanted from me. - guilt, isolation, bitterness, jealousy - he wanted me to feel guilt ridden and lie out loud: "I'm doing great, yes God has a plan and I am totally fine with that," Like anyone believed that one! So, this is my attempt of tenacity; an honest blog about my walk with God through infertility....I'm scared.