I haven't written in a few months due to numerous reasons. First, life got in the way. Second, I had so many things going on inside that I could not even put it down on virtual paper. Third, fourth and fifth, I am still working those out. Please pray for me.
I will finally admit it; the last four months (the aftermath) have been hard. I have been embarrassed to say that it has been hard because the enemy trys to guilt me into thinking that my heartache is selfish (something I have dealt with for many years). The truth is that God knows my heartache and yours. He counts our tears. He sent His only son to save us from this world. And I shout my response to this truth, "Praise His Name!" I write the last few sentences in an attempt to start accepting the freedom He died for. Please pray for me.
I am still hurting on the inside. Funny and weirdly church has been the hardest place for me to be since the miscarriage. I feel extremely venerable in general and even more so in that chair.We belong to a very young church with lots of young families which makes it challenging on many levels. I used to serve in children's ministry and now I couldn't bear it. I am not in the "club". You know the club, the "mommy club" that just opens naturally when you and all your friends hit your late 20's. It is a weird warp zone being on the outside of the club. You have all your friends that have 2-3 kids that invite you to all the baptisms, performances, and birthday parties, your younger, single friends that want you to hang past 10:00pm when you know you can't hang past 8:00pm, and your older couple friends that have kids all grown up. Unfortunately, being outside of the club comes with the infertility territory. Another challenge is the jealously bug. I got bit a few months ago and it is a nasty little bugger. Side affects include and are not limited too: hurt feelings, bitter heart, hard heart, rebellion, pride, envy, and anger. Again, please pray for me.
Thankfully I am starting to warm up to the idea (and when I say warm up I mean like I just turned on the warm water and it is still freezing cold because the pipes are frozen) that He might have another road for us. I have always been very sensitive to hurting hearts, hungry children, and the lonely of this world so maybe He will use my time in other ways than being a mom. As you can probably tell I am losing hope of giving birth. To be honest, hope of pregos is lost right now. Maybe it will return when we re-visit FET but for now it is gone. Did I ask for prayer yet?
Hugs and Merry Christmas to you all,
Mrs. C
Mrs. C, I read your entire blog today. I posted a couple of comments too. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your journey.
ReplyDeleteReading your experiences, and exposing your faith, both the inner divinity you share and the doubts has been more than inspiring to me. I have been conflicted. Ran the gamet of thoughts, from anger to God, doubts of his power, pure devotion to faith, prayers, and confusion. With a side of tears here and there. But reading about your strength and your faith, gives me hope and renews my own faith. I share this with you becasue I hope it lifts your spirits. After my first IVF failure I was devastated. I praying hard this one works. But your gift of words has inspired me and eased some of the negativity that creeps in. Your experience has helped me and I'm sure anyone else following this blog. Know that. Embrace that. I beleive your struggle may have been to share your expereince for others. The greater good. I also believe the loss, the struggle, the pain, has made you stronger, tested your faith, and you have overcome. That being said, In my heart, (and what do I know, I'm an ivfer, lol) but I honestly beleive you will be blessed with a miracle. I hope you go for your snowflakes. You have a wonderful family and support system. I wish you the best. I wish me the best :-) But from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
Hi Stefanie.
DeleteThank you soooo much for all your kind words! I was thirsting for encouragment the last few months and you just gave me a huge dose so thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am so ready to start our 2nd ivf but so nervous as well. How did you find the strength to go through it all again? How are you feeling today? Any new symptoms? The TWW was the longest time in my life so I know how you feel. Praying for peace for you today.
Brooke aka Mrs. C :)
So a little about me. I too have suffered from ednometriosis since pretty much the beginning. It was diagosed somewhere in my mid 20s. I have had two laporoscopies to laser out the scar tissue. In any event, my doctor happened to be a pioneer in infertility at NYU. He told me early 30s dont wait too long. Ive made my living on women that wait too long. Well, what do you know, I'm now padding his carreer.
DeleteMy first IVF cycled I was terrified of the entire procedure. But, I adjusted as best I could. When I found out it failed, I knew the second I heard the nurse's hello. I cried my eyes out. I found out October 28th, I was told my doctor would be speaking with me in the coming days to discuss. Well, low and behold, Hurricane Sandy hit. NYU was flooded, evacuated and without power. It was weeks before I could speak to anyone. NYU closes there lab for IVF mid december. So, it wasnt as much courage for round two as it was a financial dash. Through an amazing turn of events, the people I work with were able to argue with my insurance company to get at least the medicine paid for. Everything else is out of pocket. Since I met all of the deductibles I had to beg and plead to get in for this cycle. The costs are debilitating.
I pretty much had a melt down last evening. cried alot and struggling with my own thoughts. My husband is a pilot, so the 2WW has been solo, which makes it that much worse. The only new symptom I have which is not a symptom of preggers, but I have a cold. Just what I needed. Anyway, I keep checking to see if there is any darkening around the areolas (Since that happnes with HCG) But doesnt seem to be. I'm terrified it didnt work. Part of me says it will be my christmas miracle. Part of me is already greiving that it didnt work. Pretty much a mess. I dont have the slightest idea how we will afford a third time. My husband and I discussed, and if we try a thrid time, no matter the results, we are not going to be able to proceed. That is a horrific thought. I've been told forever by everyone how gifted I am with kids and how great a mom I will be. I cant come to terms as this is God's plan for me. So...Still struggling. But your blog has helped my heart and my mind.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. You have been through so much allready that as I read your story I am in my knees praying that you are pregos right now with your Christmas miracle!! While it is nice to talk to someone that is going through something similar I hate infertility and I hate the sorrow it brings. If it is not to personal...when do you take your test? I know how you feel about the finances. We have allready decided that our 2 frozen embroyos we have waiting will be out last try at ivf due to the cost and the emotional toll it took on me. It is a scary thought thinking that I might not be a mother. I too have been told my whole life that I would make a great mom so you can imagine and Im sure feel similar doubts about what future would be like without children. Just this morning (christmas eve) I was fighting anger about friendships I have lost along this road. It is like I am out of tears and fighting anger daily.
DeleteKnow that I am praying for you, or I guess you could say arguing with HIM over this for you and with you.
Dear Lord, I dont understand the suffering, sorrow, and pain of this world. Lord, I pray that you would fill Stefanie with Your presence today. Remind her that You love her. Remind her that our future is with You and that there will be no tears in heaven. Lord, we dont understand but help us to trust You, be honest with You, and have the faith to keep walking with You. I pray that her belly is filled with precious life and that she would have a full, healthy, 9 month pregnancy! Thank You for sending Your Son, thank You for loving us no matter how we feel.
In Your Glorious Name,
Amen
Merry Christmas Stefanie
Hi Brooke! Not sure why my original reply did not post. I guess smart phones really aren't that smart :-).
DeleteI am beyond touched today. Many people say they will keep you in your prayers. It is a totally different experience to witness and feel the prayer. I have to tell you, I first read this last night, laying in bed listening to midnight mass broadcast from St. Patricks Cathederal in NYC. It brought me to tears. I must have read your prayer a gazillion times. Well maybe a few less than that lol. But I will continue to read this and pray for both of us. I know we have never met, but I am greatful that I found your blog and that we have been able to share in such a meaningful way. You are definitely my angel.
I test tomorrow. I'm sick to my stomach over it. I have had no real symptoms except some cramping here and there for the last few days. Some of the message boards say its a good sign but who knows. As tempted as I was to take a home test, I opted not to. Didn't want sorrow to overshadow Christmas. Besides, it could be too early to test at home. I will keep you posted either way. Thank youu for your kind kind words, and support. Truly means more to me than I could ever express.
I do have a friend whose sister went through IVF. I'm not sure why, but I never spoke to her about my process. I just couldnt do it for some reason. But what I wanted to share, is she had a failed IVF cycle the first time. Second time, she had a baby girl. A few years later she had two frozen embryos transferred and it did result in twins. Please keep your faith (which I so much admire). I belive God is going to bless with you with a family. You are an amazing inspirational woman. Merry Christmas Brooke.
Well, test day was stressful and ended in dissapointment. I can not make sense out of any of this. My faith is shaken to its core. I can't understand how this is HIS plan. It hurts. I just don't understand.
DeleteI ran to my computer after work hoping to find good news from you...tears...my heart is broken for you so much Stefanie. I have little words other than you are not alone in this, and I am here for you. Please email or write if you need an ear. I am only a keyboard away, crying inside and broken for you right now.
Delete:( Brooke
Hi. I have run the gammet of emotions today and I'm sure I haven't even scratched the surface. My husband had to travel to be with his mom who had surgery today. So I'm trying to cope alone. He's sending support and vibes via calls and text but its not the same. My e-mail address is sierrapapakilo@aol.com. If you wouldnt mind emailing me your email address I would like to keep in touch.
DeleteUpdate: I've decided to change doctors. After this failed attempt the earliest I can speak to my doctor is Jan 26th. I think that is awful. I have a consultation Feb 4th. I hope to start my final cycle in March.
DeleteGood for you Stefanie! We are on our 3rd IF doc and I'm so glad we made the switch. We had two negative experience prior to our current doc and boy what a difference! PS: I emailed too :)
ReplyDelete