Thursday, March 29, 2012
All of last year I kept hearing "put on My armour Mrs C". I knew what it meant but I didn't want to sacrifice my time, and I didn't want to see my heart. Little did I know what I was missing out on! So today I just want to Praise HIS NAME and virtually shout of His healing hands and tender love! HE fills my holes and gaps. HE is the great teacher of loving others. HE has the victory! Thank YOU Father.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Have you ever had those times in life when HE whispers the same thing to you over and over again through different avenues? I have it happen a lot and boy did I sure fight HIM on this last round.
I have been having the same conversation with HIM for awhile now, you know that one-sided conversation that looks like, "yeah hi, I am really busy." Then, "oh yeah I'm so sorry I forgot to get back to YOU about that." Next, "I really don't want to talk to YOU about that." After that, " I REALLY don't like what YOU are telling me, which makes me think that I just might not like YOU" (ouch, hurts to admit that tidbit). Finally, "Okay I hear YOU and I'm ready. By the way, thanks for waiting."
...a final submission....ahhhh that felt good, but man why did it take me so long?
Thank goodness for HIS persistence! HE found me in my bed, in my car, at work, watching a movie, with friends, with family, singing. You name it, HE found me in that place and softly and gently whispered to my heart. HE did not leave me.
Now the goods:
* Disclaimer: I am human *
Mrs. C I am shaping you right now through this.
What a horrible way to shape me, I don't agree with this method.
Mrs. C I love you.
Yeah, I know, I think.
Mrs. C you are learning how to be patient like ME.
Mrs. C I LOVE YOU.
I am sad though, I really want this and I don't think its fair that I have to wait.
Mrs. C you are learning how to be patient like ME. Remember you prayed for me to rip through that flesh of yours and to have less of you and more of ME? I heard you.
I prayed that? I must be crazy!
Mrs. C Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1 2-4
Thank YOU Father :) I love you too.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I hate you. I know its harsh because you are supposed to help; but you give me hot flashes, you mess with my vision, you make my stomach pop out, you make me feel pregnant, you make me late, you make me have ridiculous mood swings, grrrrrr...
I didn't miss you, but you came back. I went through surgery to get rid of you but you must like me. You make my back hurt very bad at night. You give me long, painful, heavy cycles. You make it hard for me to get pregos. Please go away and DON'T come back another day!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
1. We didn't have to go through numerous IUI's like so many other TTC'ers do, only to find out that IVF/adoption are our options (my heart goes out to those of you that have been down that road)
2. Our faith has grown
3. Our marriage has grown
4. I have a brand new perspective of our Merciful, Loving Savior
5. I have made new friends
6. I learned how to blog
7. I have learned about how my body works
8. Women I know and some I barely know have opened up to me
9. I am starting to commit His words to my heart
10. I have faced the state of my human heart forcing me to run to Him
11. I have grown closer to family
To Be Continued ...
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Yes I admit it; the burrito made me feel good (temporarily of course). I decided that it is not the day for the 2 shake diet. Nope - it is a day to give yourself a little leeway, a little slack Mrs. C; because gosh I am seriously being tested at every corner and the day has just begun. An hour into my day I had to bow my head and just ask that He give me a humble heart, patience, kindness, strength, forgiveness...blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc...
I bought it secretly, (because its a little to early for lunch, so this would be considered 2nd breakfast today) ate it in my office, and it truly made me feel good. I know that food is not the true source of joy, but boy did it sure feel like it for a moment. The warm, egg, cheese, potato burrito with salsa and sour cream gave me a smile today and I will relish in it; even though now I feel stuffed, tired, and fat :) Okay its out there, and now that I humiliated myself this blog has somehow just become an accountablity partner.
My True Source of Joy:
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
My flesh also will rest in hope.
10 For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
11 You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Monday, March 12, 2012
A paraphrase of something I heard yesterday: Our life circumstances are not coincidences but are opportunities to either grow closer to HIM or harden our hearts and reject HIM.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
My Clomid Challenge Test Numbers:
Day 3 FSH = 6.8 Estradiol = 34.7
Day 10 FSH = 5.5 Estradiol = ?
"The term used to describe a woman's chance for conceiving is ovarian reserve. Ovarian reserve can be described as normal or poor. The tests used to predict ovarian reserve have limitations. For example, a test that shows poor ovarian reserve is very predictive for women who won't get pregnant. On the other hand, if a test shows normal ovarian reserve, it does not mean that she will definitely get pregnant. This is a very important concept. A test that shows normal ovarian reserve hasn't really helped you predict your chances. A test that shows poor ovarian reserve predicts a very poor chance for getting pregnant." http://www.ivf1.com/Clomid-Challenge-Test/
Friday, March 9, 2012
When I woke up this morning my first thoughts were of the TWW (Two Week Wait) I am currently in and I began to sulk and loath every minute of it...Lord, I am sorry. My heart is bitter this morning and harbors anger. I pray you would help me to stop those weeds from taking root in my heart. It's so easy for me to put other people, things, feelings, fears, and desires before You. Lord, search my heart this morning. Make me aware of anything or anyone else I put before You. Help me to remember that this world will not last but Your Kingdom is my true future. Help me to store my treasures in heaven and not here on earth. Thank You for Your gentle love, Your comfort and Your healing hand that so quickly soothed my hurting heart this morning. Father open the eyes to my heart, and help me to love others as You would today.
In Your Precious Name,
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day 10: Hard time sleeping, hot flashes, Blurred vision. Tracers. Flashing lights. Extreme emotions.
Day 11-14: nothing much...just tired, a headache here and there . Thought I got off easy this round.
Day 15: beginning of day - super happy and high on life...end of day- ovulation pain, bloating, tired, stomach popping out, cranky, lower back pain, headache. Pretty much feel like crap right now :(
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Mr. C & I have been told by many a fellow TTCer's about the power of gravity and therefore I lie here with a view from below. I usually try to cheat and get up early but not on Mr. C's clock, no siree! - This is serious buisness you know. - Thankfully, on this particular evening I am staring at a beautiful Orange Punch pedi Mr. C ordered me to get last week during the clomid crazies :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I was reminded this morning of a simple awesome truth: God is so good. HE is my comfort, He is where my peace and rest come from. Press into Me, I hear Him speak to my heart. Lean on me, He softly whispers. And my heart cries Thank You Father for this reminder!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
A few weeks ago as I spilled my infertile guts to a beloved confidante I was put in my place. The words that stuck were: "...have some tenacity through this." She also reminded me that as much as I have dwelt on my aloneness in this infertility that I AM NOT ALONE. And while I know, and most of the time trust in Gods plan for my life, I was reminded that it is ok to grieve and be sad sometimes about infertility. You see, I was feeling guilty for feeling sad because I know so many people in the world suffer through so many extremely difficult times; like having enough food to eat, shelter, a job, the loss of a loved one. I did not feel like my infertility was worthy of some honest pain in my heart. But that is just what the enemy wanted from me. - guilt, isolation, bitterness, jealousy - he wanted me to feel guilt ridden and lie out loud: "I'm doing great, yes God has a plan and I am totally fine with that," Like anyone believed that one! So, this is my attempt of tenacity; an honest blog about my walk with God through infertility....I'm scared.