More of HIM

I am overwhelmed with a sense of HIS presence lately and with this has come less of me (loving it). I haven't posted in a few days because I have been inundated with words like, "...be quick to listen, slow to speak , and slow to wrath" and "bite your tongue Mrs C." and "check your heart and your intentions", and " less of you and more of ME and them". ...I am in the midst of HIM changing my heart and to be honest I don't have a lot to say about me and infertility today. But I can share of the hope and peace I have found in HIM and HIS WORDS.

All of last year I kept hearing "put on My armour Mrs C".  I knew what it meant but I didn't want to sacrifice my time, and I didn't want to see my heart. Little did I know what I was missing out on! So today I just want to Praise HIS NAME and virtually shout of His healing hands and tender love! HE fills my holes and gaps. HE is the great teacher of loving others. HE has the victory! Thank YOU Father.

Distracting Dancing

Just when I think I am doing good, I cry. Its funny (but not really) how it sneaks up on me.  Another waiting period has got me a bit bummed out I reckon.  I know that it is normal, and that we are taking the steps we need too, but that doesn't make it easy. 

HIS Persistence

Have you ever had those times in life when HE whispers the same thing to you over and over again through different avenues?  I have it happen a lot and boy did I sure fight HIM on this last round.

I have been having the same conversation with HIM for awhile now, you know that one-sided conversation that looks like, "yeah hi, I am really busy." Then, "oh yeah I'm so sorry I forgot to get back to YOU about that." Next, "I really don't want to talk to YOU about that." After that, " I REALLY don't like what YOU are telling me, which makes me think that I just might not like YOU" (ouch, hurts to admit that tidbit). Finally, "Okay I hear YOU and I'm ready. By the way, thanks for waiting."

...a final submission....ahhhh that felt good, but man why did it take me so long?

Thank goodness for HIS persistence!  HE found me in my bed, in my car, at work, watching a movie, with friends, with family, singing. You name it, HE found me in that place and softly and gently whispered to my heart.  HE did not leave me.

Now the goods:

 * Disclaimer: I am human *

Mrs. C I am shaping you right now through this.
What a horrible way to shape me, I don't agree with this method.
Mrs. C I love you.
Yeah, I know, I think.
Mrs. C you are learning how to be patient like ME.
Blurg.
Mrs. C I LOVE YOU.
I am sad though, I really want this and I don't think its fair that I have to wait.
Mrs. C you are learning how to be patient like ME. Remember you prayed for me to rip through that flesh of yours and to have less of you and more of ME? I heard you.
I prayed that? I must be crazy!
Mrs. C Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1 2-4
Thank YOU Father :) I love you too.

Dear Clomid / Hello Endo

Dear Clomid,
I hate you. I know its harsh because you are supposed to help; but you give me hot flashes, you mess with my vision, you make my stomach pop out, you make me feel pregnant, you make me late, you make me have ridiculous mood swings, grrrrrr...

Hello Endo,
I didn't miss you, but you came back. I went through surgery to get rid of you but you must like me.  You make my back hurt very bad at night. You give me long, painful, heavy cycles. You make it hard for me to get pregos.  Please go away and DON'T come back another day!

A Prayer

Please Lord give me patience. Help me not to try and jump ahead of You. Help me not to try and take control. Help me to trust in You and Your plans. Help me to see past myself. Lord give me Your heart for others. Thank You for loving me through all my weaknesses. Thank You for my friends, family, and for blessing me with faith in You.

The Postitive Side of Things

1.  We didn't have to go through numerous IUI's like so many other TTC'ers do, only to find out that IVF/adoption are our options (my heart goes out to those of you that have been down that road)
2.  Our faith has grown
3.  Our marriage has grown
4.  I have a brand new perspective of our Merciful, Loving Savior
5.  I have made new friends
6.  I learned how to blog
7.  I have learned about how my body works
8.  Women I know and some I barely know have opened up to me
9. I am starting to commit His words to my heart
10. I have faced the state of my human heart forcing me to run to Him
11. I have grown closer to family

To Be Continued ...

My Big FAT Prideful Heart

My Pride at its Best:

1.  Snooki is pregnant now?...come on God really? (sorry Snooki, I don't even know you)

2.  I have totally been walking with You lately (1st showing);  therefore, I really deserve a baby now God (2nd showing).

3.  Even though I know you need a few minutes to let it soak in, let's pray about this right now Mr. C. I just really need to prove how holy I can be. (Mr. C knows I'm sorry for this one)

List is I'm Sure To be continued...

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for showing me these things. It definitely makes me say OUCH when I become aware but it sure is nice to take it back to the You and let it go again. Which reminds me, thank You for dying on the cross for my sins, my pride, my eternity! I am in awe of Your mercy and Your grace right now.

Love Your prideful daughter,

Mrs. C

Admission

Yes I admit it; the burrito made me feel good (temporarily of course). I decided that it is not the day for the 2 shake diet. Nope - it is a day to give yourself a little leeway, a little slack Mrs. C; because gosh I am seriously being tested at every corner and the day has just begun. An hour into my day I had to bow my head and just ask that He give me a humble heart, patience, kindness, strength, forgiveness...blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc... 

I bought it secretly, (because its a little to early for lunch, so this would be considered 2nd breakfast today) ate it in my office, and it truly made me feel good. I know that food is not the true source of joy, but boy did it sure feel like it for a moment. The warm, egg, cheese, potato burrito with salsa and sour cream gave me a smile today and I will relish in it; even though now I feel stuffed, tired, and fat :)  Okay its out there, and now that I humiliated myself this blog has somehow just become an accountablity partner.

My True Source of Joy:

Psalm 16:8-11

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.
¹⁰ For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
¹¹ You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

2.35 Minutes

I had to take a time out after Monday NO Fun Day appointment.  It was the quickest, worst appointment we have had yet. In a nutshell, we were told in approximately 2.35 mins that in-vitro is our only option, we are not candidates for IUI's, here is your bill, and have a good day.  I'm pretty sure, by the way Mr. C looked, that we both felt like we got punched in the stomach.  We knew this could happen but were obviously hoping for different news. After a good round in the ring on the way home (Mr.C vs Mrs.C), we realized that we needed to take it to HIM together in prayer.  All I can say is thank goodness we ended that one on a high note - What a rollercoster!

A paraphrase of something I heard yesterday: Our life circumstances are not coincidences but are opportunities to either grow closer to HIM or harden our hearts and reject HIM.

Monday no fun day

Blurg... Monday no fun day :(

Are You Kidding Me?

Its been what, a week since I started a blog opening up about this struggle? And man, HE has totally surpassed my expectations. I have heard beautiful testimonies: testimonies about infertility and the Hand of God moving through hearts. I had an unexpected visit from an amazing women to my work.  I have had encouragement from so many. I have a renewed trust in HIM I have not had for awhile. I received a beautiful hand made bracelet from twins in Africa along with an amazing fertility kit like I've never see before. I realized once AGAIN that I am not alone.  Did I just hear you say "Are you kidding me?"...I hope so. I hope you see His glory, His mercy and His love at the hands of His children. Because that is what we are here for right? To lift each other up, to encourage, to humbly come before Him together. I have to get ready for Monday Fun Day so I'm cutting the overflow of my heart off, but I just had to share a tidbit of God's awesome work!

Monday Fun Day

2 more days. 2 more days and we sit down with our doc and discuss the results of the blood, the swimmers, the levels - The Initial Workup.  We have had this appointment before, with our last specialist, so we think we know what is coming; however, there is one new test this round: The Clomid Challenge Test  (aka Made Me Certifiably Crazy Test). For some reason I am a tid bit anxious about this test result. I guess it is because of what I have read (which reminds me once again not to play doctor via google- but I did it anyways, Ha!).  It appears that the results of this test help doctors find women with decreased ovarian reserve (see below).  As far as I can tell (via Dr. Google) my levels look good, but I am a little anxious that I am setting myself up for a downer, AGAIN.  I already have a left kinky tube, endometriosis, and have a lifetime of pregnant-less so hey, lets just add decreased ovarian reserve to the mix! Anyways, I am sarcastically declaring Monday as Fun Day, or so we shall see.

My Clomid Challenge Test Numbers:
Day 3 FSH = 6.8     Estradiol = 34.7
Day 10 FSH = 5.5  Estradiol = ?

"The term used to describe a woman's chance for conceiving is ovarian reserve. Ovarian reserve can be described as normal or poor. The tests used to predict ovarian reserve have limitations. For example, a test that shows poor ovarian reserve is very predictive for women who won't get pregnant. On the other hand, if a test shows normal ovarian reserve, it does not mean that she will definitely get pregnant. This is a very important concept. A test that shows normal ovarian reserve hasn't really helped you predict your chances. A test that shows poor ovarian reserve predicts a very poor chance for getting pregnant." http://www.ivf1.com/Clomid-Challenge-Test/

Dear Father

Dear Heavenly Father,

When I woke up this morning my first thoughts were of the TWW (Two Week Wait) I am currently in and I began to sulk and loath every minute of it...Lord, I am sorry. My heart is bitter this morning and harbors anger.  I pray you would help me to stop those weeds from taking root in my heart.  It's so easy for me to put other people, things, feelings, fears, and desires before You.  Lord, search my heart this morning.  Make me aware of anything or anyone else I put before You.  Help me to remember that this world will not last but Your Kingdom is my true future.  Help me to store my treasures in heaven and not here on earth.  Thank You for Your gentle love, Your comfort and Your healing hand that so quickly soothed my hurting heart this morning.  Father open the eyes to my heart, and help me to love others as You would today.

In Your Precious Name,

Amen

My Clomid Side Effects Timeline

Day 5-9: take 100mg clomid
Day 10: Hard time sleeping, hot flashes, Blurred vision. Tracers.  Flashing lights. Extreme emotions.
Day 11-14: nothing much...just tired, a headache here and there . Thought I got off easy this round.
Day 15: beginning of day - super happy and high on life...end of day-  ovulation pain,  bloating, tired, stomach popping out, cranky, lower back pain, headache. Pretty much feel like crap right now :(

View From Below

Oh let me count the occasions I have spent fifteen minutes staring at my toes...
Mr. C & I have been told by many a fellow TTCer's about the power of gravity and therefore I lie here with a view from below.  I usually try to cheat and get up early but not on Mr. C's clock, no siree! - This is serious buisness you know. - Thankfully, on this particular evening I am staring at a beautiful Orange Punch pedi Mr. C ordered me to get last week during the clomid crazies :)

The Countdown

Am I the only one that feels like it's a constant countdown when trying to conceive (TTC)? I find myself questioning myself..."is it day 13 or day 14 Mrs. C?" (because one day could make a huge difference in the TTC world!).  I am constantly looking at my calendar counting to find days between my last period (AF) and ovulation (O), or my FAVORITE...the two week wait (TWW)...NOT!  If I am not counting, our doctor is counting.  In fact, Mr. C is always counting now too, and either asks or reminds me daily what today means in accordance with our TTC plan; what a man! Currently, I am in the O countdown. We are fully prepared with sticks, and directions, and kits of all sorts.  I could probably become more organized but I tried the whole calendar EVERYTHING plan and found it to be too consuming.  So I will continue to count the days and figure out what comes next.

Reminded

I was reminded this morning of a simple awesome truth: God is so good. HE is my comfort,  He is where my peace and rest come from. Press into Me, I hear Him speak to my heart.  Lean on me, He softly whispers. And my heart cries Thank You Father for this reminder!

Tenacity

A few weeks ago as I spilled my infertile guts to a beloved confidante I was put in my place.  The words that stuck were: "...have some tenacity through this." She also reminded me that as much as I have dwelt on my aloneness in this infertility that I AM NOT ALONE. And while I know, and most of the time trust in Gods plan for my life, I was reminded that it is ok to grieve and be sad sometimes about infertility.  You see, I was feeling guilty for feeling sad because I know so many people in the world suffer through so many extremely difficult times; like having enough food to eat, shelter, a job, the loss of a loved one. I did not feel like my infertility was worthy of some honest pain in my heart. But that is just what the enemy wanted from me. - guilt, isolation, bitterness, jealousy - he wanted me to feel guilt ridden and lie out loud: "I'm doing great, yes God has a plan and I am totally fine with that," Like anyone believed that one! So, this is my attempt of tenacity; an honest blog about my walk with God through infertility....I'm scared.