Not Sure

There are very little times in my life when my fingers do not feel like typing. That is how my little ink-free limbs feel today, but I force them on knowing it helps to get it all out. I am really struggling lately with the grief part of infertility. I feel stuck and I hate it. I cry out to my Father to release me from this want. Lately I think it is gone but it re-visits me so suddenly. I truly know that a baby/child will not make me a happier, fulfilled, etc...but yet my heart yearns to care for a child. And yes people, I know care means many many poopie diapers, sleepless years, worry, etc. You would think us infertile myrtles would take it as a blessing right? Can't I just snap out of it, sign up for a mission trip, and go care for a child somewhere? Is that what I am supposed to do? I think I am grieving the life I dreamt of since I was so little. I never dreamed up an elaborate wedding; I dreamed of being loved and sharing that love with our children.

I heard a message this morning. Keep in mind that I am very skeptical and weary on any message I hear lately. I question motives, truth, character, etc... Any by the way, I am not saying I know it all; in fact, I am saying the opposite: I know nada. This particular message enveloped prayer.  Why does God say no? Why does it feel like He doesn't answer sometimes? To summarize, the speaker said that maybe it is because we are living in sin, or maybe we are not praying the will of God. I heard a message the other day. To summarize, the speaker spoke about how we shouldn't stop knocking. That we should keep asking God. UGH...am I totally cut off from the holy spirit lately..it sure feels that way. Where is that soft whisper that directs my heart during these human fed messages? I miss it Lord. I keep hearing to seek the truth, which I believe is the living word. Does that mean I should memorize it all, sign up for Another bible study, devotion the heck out of every morning? Why do my devotions feel like BLAH lately anyways? God is obviously doing some work in me right now that I can not even organize on paper.

Not sure if this was a thought, prayer, or view but good luck getting all this.

Looking 2 HIM for help,
Mrs. C