Tip of Surrender

 I have been a first account witness to love that only HE can provide. How can I shake my fist a our God. Our God - the Great I Am who shows us how to love - truly love.

Uncharted Territory

I have walked down many paths with HIM through this life, but I don't ever remember one quite like this. I gave myself some leeway last month after the miscarriage saying that if I were ever to become angry with God that I would accept it and be honest about it. Well, here it is. A little late, but here. This uncharted territory is full of anger. I have never pictured myself shaking my fist at Him, and I write this half in fear of what He thinks of my wicked heart and half proud. I have been prideful many times, but this is different. I am almost daring HIM which, I KNOW people, is total stupidity! However, I want this blog, my life, and my walk to be honest - and honestly I am angry. I am more angry about the after-math of hormones and whacked out self than the actual loss (okay, I am just as angry about the loss too). I am more angry about the loss of identity and the fact that I KNOW He is in control still and that my eternity, identity and  salvation are HIS, but that my human, fleshly-heart, soul, and mind are at war right now.

So here I am in this ugly state and in walks a someone today who's testimony breaks down my little, weak, angry wall that I thought I had built up so powerful. He shared his recent fall-to-his-knees story and I saw the Cross melt my force-field. I told this someone, "that you are not supposed to give me any hope today. I don't want to go there yet, I don't want to let HIM in."

And now I am thinking to myself, "Gosh Lord why do You have to find me again".

Sweet Recovery

 My little angel Maddie Pepper
 

Letter to Myself

To Myself,

As you know missy, hormones are sometimes off their schedule, late, early, too much, too little, etc... For you, this week, and maybe this month, or perhaps this year, you've had it all! Accept that this ridiculous version of yourself is hormonally whacked right now. Come to grips that even though you believe The Almighty can control everything that it still might be okay that you are off. I mean come on Kimi in the last 6 months you have lost your precious pup, gotten daily *ss shots of hormones from ur hubby, swallowed every other man-made hormone possible, gotten pregnant, miscarried, derived some sort of zitty-rash-hormonal-break-out thing, and now your late. Give yourself a break sweetheart, cause honestly you could use one. Wave the white flag. Cry, laugh about it the next minute, and then cry again. Just give in and let it go cause you are only human honey and HE does not expect anything more.

Hugs,
Myself

Crashed

The hurt - the anger - the everything surfaced, and I crashed right into Mr C's chest on this too sunny of an October morning. Thankfully he was there to soak up the tears and mascara. I had a feeling I was feeling too okay about it all. I've been throwing anything I could get my grips on and piling it on top of this s**t (yes I just said shit because unfortunately and truthfully that's whats in my heart right now) and burring it deep down. Writing now brings it back up, and I'm trying to choke it down because I don't want to care. I don't want to want anything worldly. I want the impossible. I want to be non-human and let it all go completely, forever, and for it to never show its face again. But its a ridiculous idea, or really a dream. UGH! Lord, take away this desire...please! I am tired of wanting this.

a Prayer

Good Morning Father above. Lord You know my heart, my fears, my weaknesses, my everything. Just like Your son David, help me to trust in You and not this world. Help me to cry out to You during times of uncertainty. Lord, You are mighty and powerful and I believe in Your love for me! Lord, thank you for protecting Your children. Lord, I need You now and always. My words are insignificant to describe You. I have no gooey feelings motivating me and no emotional rise, but just the unshakable truth of  Your constant Love for me. Thank You Lord. In Your Precious Name, Amen.

Life W/O Babies

I never imagined a life without babies, but here it is - in all its messy glory (and I mean glory in a not so glorious way)!  If I think about it, I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. A life not forced to lean on HIM, but chosen.  I was created to need HIM for everything, and when I come around the mountain and remember once again this simple truth I find peace. Would I be so needy if I had what I want...babies? Would I lean on HIM and let HIM heal me daily, hourly, every minute?  Would I soak up HIS everlasting renewal? I really don't know, but I do know that I was created to need HIM for everything, literally EVERYTHING! Not just for the times of sorrow, but the times of joy, the times of void, the easy times, the times before all else and everyone else, including myself, fails.

Lately I've been strongly avoiding opportunities to "do good works" in a oh-so-fleshly-human attempt to "get closer" to HIM. I have had this nasty human habit as long as I can remember. You know, one of those things we call a vice? This is one of mine.  So as I sit in my chair on Sunday and don't run to the service sign-up table out of guilt, I wonder where the balance is. So I talk to HIM about it and ask for a fleck of HIS wisdom in this area.  "I have my human heart of service Father, but I want YOUR heart of service." I wonder if it will change? I wonder what it will look like when or if it ever does? And then I start to feel guilty again for not signing up...hahahaha...LOL! Oh once again I am smacked in the face with myself.

I love YOU Lord! You sent Your only Son to die on the cross to pay for my silly human habits, vices, sins. You are Good and I am blessed to be called Your child!

Mrs. C