I have walked down many paths with HIM through this life, but I don't ever remember one quite like this. I gave myself some leeway last month after the miscarriage saying that if I were ever to become angry with God that I would accept it and be honest about it. Well, here it is. A little late, but here. This uncharted territory is full of anger. I have never pictured myself shaking my fist at Him, and I write this half in fear of what He thinks of my wicked heart and half proud. I have been prideful many times, but this is different. I am almost daring HIM which, I KNOW people, is total stupidity! However, I want this blog, my life, and my walk to be honest - and honestly I am angry. I am more angry about the after-math of hormones and whacked out self than the actual loss (okay, I am just as angry about the loss too). I am more angry about the loss of identity and the fact that I KNOW He is in control still and that my eternity, identity and salvation are HIS, but that my human, fleshly-heart, soul, and mind are at war right now.
So here I am in this ugly state and in walks a someone today who's testimony breaks down my little, weak, angry wall that I thought I had built up so powerful. He shared his recent fall-to-his-knees story and I saw the Cross melt my force-field. I told this someone, "that you are not supposed to give me any hope today. I don't want to go there yet, I don't want to let HIM in."
And now I am thinking to myself, "Gosh Lord why do You have to find me again".
My heart breaks for you. The pain and cofusion truly become overwhelming. I had read your post regarding your wonderful support system and friends. It truly made me smile. It is so incredibly important. With your post fresh in my mind I too met up with a dear friend who I had not seen in quite sometime. Unbeknownst to me, she was 8month pregnant. Despite my joy for her blessing, my heart immediately sank. Thoughts of making up an excuse to leave certainly crossed my mind. I stayed. I'm so happy I did. Yes, she talked about her pregnancy, but she also spoke to me about my infertility. Gave me perspective, and didn't judge me for my crisis with my faith right now. She understood, she provided different insights and I truly left with a full heart. She did elaborate that her strongest desire was to be a mom. She said, knowing that, her daughter 2 now, sometimes is overwhelming for her. She said she has closed the door and prayed for patience and understanding because it has become too much. All I could think is - how I would much rather like to be in that perdicament.
ReplyDeleteFriday I woke up with a new perspective and thought I can be positive and optomistic and hope for the future. Then Sunday rolled around. My parents came to vist and we had a wonderful time. Until I found out one of my cousins are pregnant again. This derailed me. All of my cousins have several children. I am the only one that can not reproduce. The only one. OUCH! What a devastating feeling. My mom gave me the pep talk of how much I have accomplished in life and how lucky I am, blah blah blah. All I could think of was I failed as a woman and I am being punished for some reason. Punished for waiting too long, punished for wanting more. I don't know. There has to be a reason for all of this. I can't figure it out yet. I pray for me, I pray for you that we find clarity and peace. There is a greater calling. I don't know for sure what it is. I know we are meant to be giving women and be moms. I don't know how or what capacity. I know this has to have a path - and we need to trust. I'm on the roller coaster of infertility and we can throw up are arms and scream togehter. The free fall - may just yeild the happiness we seek. Hugs, Prayers and support.
Stef
Hi Stef.
DeleteThank you so much for your email. You took the words straight from my heart. I am so sorry that you have to deal with the pain, jealousy, and bitterness that comes with infertility. I can't figure it our yet either but I worry sometimes that my calling is to bare inferlity and it scares me, you know? It is so tough to have to watch my husband watch me go through all of this and I wish God would just take away my desire to have children. Knowing that you are screaming with me is more helpful than you know yet I pray so hard that you would be blessed with a child!!!! Evertying you said resinates with me right now. I to want to be optomistic and content with the life I am given but am struggling with my flesh and why I would be chose to not have kids. Thank you most of all for praying for me to find clarity and peace....above all clarity and direction would be nice and I will continue to pray for you too.
Dear Father, I dont know what to say because I am sad. I am sad that I cannot have a baby and that I still have the desire. Lord, I pray for Stefanie. I pray that you would bring both of us clarity and peace. I pray that you would bless Steffanie with a child. I pray that you would take away any doubt or lies she hears in her head concerning motherhood, and her fertility. I pray that you would be the only voice she hears and that you would show her a clear path. I pray that you would help us to rise above this inferltlity through You and that we could be a light to others struggling with infertility. Thank you for bringing Stef into my life! In your Name, Amen.
Your Friend,
Brooke