Step One

Best Christmas presents ever this year!!!

1. Two beautiful Japanese Maples for our front yard...Love, love, love!!!! Mr. C had them delivered to our shop early so I could plant them before it gets to cold.
2. Found out today that Mr. C took the first step and signed us up for a Adoption/Foster Orientation meeting for mid January. WHATTT???? So excited! My heart feels like it is jumping out of my chest. Happy jumping by the way - not anxiety - yet.

Thoughts going through my head:
Please Mrs. C don't get too excited
Pray, Pray, Pray!
Remember what you learned through the process of infertility treatments
Keep grounded, yet keep all doors open for HIM to work


Merry Christmas Everyone! May your hearts be filled with HIS love for others this year! May you see HIS works through your season of infertility! May you be blessed with the awareness of eternity!

Love,
Mrs. C

God will only give you what you can handle

I have been told many times throughout this infertily ride that "God will only give you what you can handle". I used to take this as a huge offense thinking often, " oh thanks, so you are saying that I can't handle a baby". But now, after Mr. C so enlightened me, I realize that people are really saying that I can handle infertility. I can handle the heartache, the phases, the empty belly. I can handle it all not on my own accord, but by His grace alone. I have learned that infertily truly can be a blessing not of this world ( I can't believe I just wrote that). Something that reminds me daily what I should be living for: eternity. Thank YOU Father for Your will, for your ways, for our amazing family we were surrounded with today.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Mrs. C

Let It Go Girl

I took a couple deep breaths just now, before I start writing. Before I start writing something that I am afraid to face, afraid to do, afraid to take on.

Possible disappointment...

I prayed this morning that HE would continue to bless me with a lowly heart. A heart that has been wrecked by HIS love is a glorious way. A heart that is scared to move now. I truly want to remember how much HE has flooded me with HIS grace through this process of infertility and invitro before we start ANOTHER NEW road to become parents.

We have decided to start researching foster care and adoption.

I am asking for prayer from my fellow infertile myrtles, our awesome support system, and anyone else who comes across this blog. Please pray that we will act on HIS will and not our own. We know absolutely nothing about foster care and adoption. I can't speak for Mr. C but I can tell you that my biggest fear is of the possible disappointment.

Let go girl - God has got it!

DENIED

I have to laugh a little because the spousal denial was kinda funny. But, somehow being denied for new health insurance  has turned into a not-so-haha situation.

Mr. C and I own a small business together and therefore pay for our own health insurance.  We are in the process of changing plans and have been recently denied for infertility (me) and spousal infertility (Mr. C) - what?? spousal infertility??. Okay, so we move onto a different, more expensive (triple the price), group-plan in which we are under an umbrella (meaning our history does not come into play). Come to find our tax preparer made a BIG mistake and failed to type my name on our Schedule C tax form. My name is on alllll the other forms, but not the one that matters.

Well, whatever! What can I do now? - Wait until January 1st. Looks like Obamacare will be our only option.

I am guessing there are other IFERS out there that have come across similar insurance denials. Ha! Just add it to the suckie infertile list.

Lord, I can't wait for You to come back and make it alllll good :) My trust is in you, even though my flesh doesn't show that sometimes.

Mrs. C

Going Solo

 I am so strongly in favor of doing life together and I just had another reminder of why this morning. We do not have to walk through this world alone. We have Him and we have the people in our lives that He has surrounded us with to walk along side us.  A dear friend shared this devotion with me today and I can't help but pass it on to all of you:

October 2, 2013 Going Solo Lynn Cowell "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV) The toll of an emotionally draining week had reached its peak. Though I was trying to use various diversions to clear my mind, my thoughts were overpowering. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball and fall apart. Worry was winning. My husband sensed the pain that was showing from my welling eyes. Like any good friend, he asked, "What's going on?" Determined to keep my composure, I chose to fight my battle alone. "I'm okay" slid out before I caught my lie. Minutes later he asked again, "What's wrong?" My resolve couldn't hold up any longer and I blubbered, "I just can't get past this anxiety." Greg listened as the thoughts swirling in my mind came out. After I emptied my heart, he shared a story from Scripture, which helped me override my stress with thankfulness and trust. I am so glad the Lord preserved stories in the Bible of those who had issues as well. During this hard season I was in, Greg reminded me of Elijah. Like Elijah, sometimes when I struggle, I opt to struggle alone. In 1 Kings 19:3, even after seeing God work miracles, Elijah was undone by a threat. A queen was trying to kill him and he decided the way out was to run. We get a look into his thought process in 1 Kings 19:3-4, "Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.'" (NIV) I don't blame Elijah one bit for running when trouble hit. I have that instinct myself some days. Running to social media or a chocolate goodie when my emotions are a jumbled mess is the easiest way out—at least temporarily. Where Elijah missed it, and I did too on my bad day, was when he chose to go solo. Elijah had a servant who was traveling with him, but he left the servant behind. He went farther into the desert alone, where his emotions only turned darker. Elijah and I both could have used the truth in Ecclesiastes 4, "Two are better than one ... if either of them falls down, one can help the other up." When we share our troubles with another godly friend, she can often help us to see what we cannot. Her different perspective opens a new way of thinking that can lead to hope and faith and away from despair. When you add the power and presence of the Holy Spirit to that friendship, Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us our relationships become "... a cord of three strands... not quickly broken." Our pain, when shared, can be transformed to peace. Strength can take the place of sorrow. I eased my stress that difficult week by sharing my worries with my husband. Thankfully he directed me to God's Word where I found hope and encouragement in the midst of my anxiety. Is there a burden you are carrying that would be lighter if you shared it with someone? Make a way today to allow them to help you handle your load. Jesus, thank You that You have given us the gift of relationships. Give us the wisdom to know when and with whom to share our personal problems. Please strengthen us so we can help strengthen another. Amen. Related Resources: Beyond Facebook Friends CD message by Lynn Cowell Can you think of a teen girl who would like to learn about the power of godly friendships? Share a copy of Lynn's book His Revolutionary Love with her. Invite the His Revolutionary Love conference to your town to help the women and teen girls in your community be empowered to learn to create positive relationships. Reflect and Respond: Who is your "go to" friend who lifts you up when you fall down? Give them your thanks today! If you need a friend who makes you stronger, ask the Father to give you the type of friend described in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. Power Verse: Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron; so one person sharpens another." (NIV) © 2013 by Lynn Cowell. All rights reserved. Proverbs 31 Ministries 630 Team Rd., Suite 100 Matthews, NC 28105 www.Proverbs31.org

Walk of Hope

Walk of Hope: Sunday September 29th

Hi Everyone,
Just a reminder that I am walking in the 2013 Walk of Hope this Sunday to show my support and to break the silence of infertility!
If you want to walk to show your support I would love some walking partners! Walking costs only your time. Here are the details:

Join Us in Irvine for this Inaugural Event!

 
When: Sunday, September 29th
Where: Aldrich Park, Irvine, CA
Registration will begin at 8:00 AM and the Walk begins at 9:00AM. All Walk activities will be completed by 11:00AM.  This event is dog-friendly.

NO ONE WITH INFERTILITY SHOULD WALK ALONE!

What Comes After Failed IVF?

Everyone has a different answer to this tough question: What comes after failed IVF? Currently, Mr. C and I are not sure at this point and that is okay. So, from a gal that got a big fat F in IVF/FET101, please remember to give your infertile friends time after failed IVF/FET. Please remember that everyone moves forward at their own pace. Please remember that some of us failed IVFERS might decide to live without children, some might decide to research foster care, surrogacy, or adoption, and some might decide to do another round of IVF. Please try hard not to judge your infertile friends decisions. I know its hard because you want them to have their desires too, but just remember that when they are good and ready they will make a decision that is best for them.

Personally I am praying that He gives me faith to wait on Him for an answer. I am trying to keep my focus on Him and not on this fleshly desire of mine. I believe in Him, I believe that this is not my home, and I believe that he will answer me.

Waiting on Him,
Mrs. C

Beta Day 10dp5dt

BFN
Big Fat Negative
Negative
Nada Enchilada
Nope
Nothing
Unaffirmative
No
Opposite of positive


Okie dokie, now that I got that out...  Dear Father Above who loves me soooo much that sometimes You answer my prayers in ways that my flesh does not understand quite yet. And I assume (or maybe I hope) that the day I will understand, I will not care, because I will be basking in Your ravishing love. I praise You right now for my husband, my family, and my friends, but most of all I praise You for the cross. I praise You today, through my tears. I praise You for giving me hope in eternity, for the joy that still resides in my heart tonight, and for the rest I find in Your promises.

Your Daughter,
Mrs C.

My Armour

I POAS this morning...bfn (big fat negative). I am 7dp5dt (7 days past 5 day embryo transfer) with our two precious embryos. There is now only a very very small chance we are pregos.  We have a blood test on Monday to confirm.

I am sad but I am also determined! I will not let my heart harden this time. I will not fight His will. I will ask Him to use my heart to be a mother in His way. I will ask Him to humble my heart. I will ask Him for mercy to get through it. I will lean on Him to heal me.

By His grace alone I stand firm today,
Mrs. C

Emotionalville

Imagine a place where all your wonderful FEELINGS surface all at the same time. Where one minute you are skipping on clouds and the next you are drudging in dirt. Ahhhhh, emotionalville. A lovely place where us IVFers get to spend a little over a week. Pumped full of more hormones than we are meant to handle, bruised on the booty from all the shots, TRYING to stay positive, and WAITING - just waiting.

I am currently 3dp5t ( 3 days past 5 day embryo transfer). So far, our FET feels different from our IVF#1. I have less meds in me - Thank You Lord -, less "symptoms", but about the same amount of emotions.

Symptom List:
No sore tatas like last time.
A little crampy
Thirsty as all heck
Fabulously emotional

Laughing, crying, and waiting in Emotinoville,
Mrs. C

What to expect on FET day

We arrived at our doctors office at 845am. After signing a few consent forms my vitals were taken and we walked over to the procedure office down the hall which is my Favorite place!! So tranquil with mellow-positive-feeling music playing, a running fountain, and soft hues and textures. After a few minutes we were sitting in Dr. Operas office looking at our beautiful embryo pictures. Hurray they both looked good and each got a 3BB grade.  Doc Opera explained that they could turn into 3 or 4 babies and we had to sign a consent saying we were aware of that. Next came the transfer. It was soooo much easier  and less uncomfortable than our first Ivf. Our doc found a nice thick pouch to point them towards. 10 mins later I was resting for the 30 min standard. We got our post-care instructions, a wheel chair ride downstairs, and by 11:17 we were headed to my rents comfy-cool home for a 2 day bed rest. Now the dreaded TWW begins. Usuually our Doc tests after 8 days but that will land on a Sunday so 9 days it is...
9 days and counting,
Mrs.C

PS: I wore a long comfy black maxi dress on transfer day and it was perrrrrfet! I only had to pull it up and pull it down. No messing with all the possible undergarments and, It didn't hurt to feel pretty in a dress on transfer day too.
PSS: I had a pre-transfer day melt down. I'm pretty sure the hormones were kicking in and maybe a little anxiety, although I'd hate to admit that. I immediatey called on my awesome support system for prayers and I would highly reccommend to anyone to do the same in any time of need. Scores of texts came in leaving me full of smiles, peace, and lovin'. Luv you all!

To the Left, to the Left

You know the words girls, "To the left to the left. Hmmmmm, to the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left." Beyonce has been chiming in my head non-stop the last 48 hours and not because I'm bumping to R&B on the way home from work. No; "to the left, to the left" is coming to mind due to an annoying itchy left tata! I don't know if it is a progesterone side affect or what but it is driving me MAMAMAMA MAD MAD WORLD. Sorry, now that that song is coming into my head.

Of course I consulted Dr. Google about the itchy tata and it seems, according to many other "patients", that itchy tata can be a progesterone side affect. The glorious Trader Joes coco butter lotion seems to help temporarily but as soon as I think it is gone I start feeling a lovely tingle in mid-customer conversation. It's quite fabulous - and I mean fabulous with a lowercase f!

Two more days and counting :)

Mrs. C

My Favorites

Progesterone shots....blurg....not a huge fan of these suckers. They don't hurt but they make me feel pregnant which is a tricky feeling during the TWW. We start my favorites tomorrow. Thankfully Mr. C gives me all my dailys so I don't have to worry about sticking myself in the tummy or bootie. What a man! 
So far I have not had many side affects from the Lupron, estrace, vivelle dot, and prednisone aside from fatigue, which feels like AF tiredness.
My estradiol came back good today so we are still on track for a Sept. 6th transfer. I am ready to get this done, and have faith that He has got it covered whatever that may entail :)
I asked Dr. Opera about acupuncture and he said that he believes in its calming effects and that overall they know it makes people feel better. All in all, he believes it can't hurt the process. So, I went today and will go back next week.

One week and counting,

Mrs. C




** always follow your own doctors advise, I am not giving out this info as medical advice).

Back to a Basic

Job lost everything: his wealth, his career, his health, his family, his integrity, his dreams, etc... How can a righteous man like Job lose everything in the eyes of our Faithful Father?

I was brought back to a basic over the last couple weeks while reading about Job's life . I was brought back to a place where the earth is so small and insignificant, where cause and effect does not always exist, and where the Almighty alone reins as my only true fulfillment.  

Thank You Father. Thank You for bringing me back.

Hello FET

Well, I sent the email off to our nurse today. Our IF journey takes us down another new road. We are planning (keep in mind folks that planning means NOTHING in the IF world, or any of the world for that matter) to start our first FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) on my next cycle. As many of you know we have two embies waiting for us.. We are going on a vacation this week so I hope to be rested and ready by the time we come back. According to my always-off-calander I should go in for my first blood draw around the 21st or so.

On another note, I got to see a picture of my boo's 21 week old  nugget today. I'm pretty sure she was smiling already. Just precious!

Anyone out there in need of a cycle buddy starting around the 20th or so let me know...I'm all in for some symptom yapping, crying, laughing, peer-support during the dreaded 2WW (two week wait). Let's keep each other going my friends!

Much love my IF gals,
Brooke (aka Mrs. C)

Aching, Infertile Heart?

Don't go through this alone. Find a group, get support, heal...

 

Stepping Stones Infertility Resources

 

 

Walking for a cause: INFERTILITY AWARENESS

Hi Everyone,

I am walking in the 2013 Walk of Hope this year to show my support and to break the silence of infertility! Check out my personal page  HERE to see what it is all about!

If you want to donate via $ great! If you want to walk to show your support I would love some walking partners! Walking costs only your time.

NO ONE WITH INFERTILITY SHOULD WALK ALONE!

Walk of Hope 2013

The UGLY of Infertility

I was a cheerleader in 7th grade. I know, weird for those who know me. I was a soccer-star wannabe forever until my two besties decided to try cheer-leading at the ripe-peer-preasured age of 13. Anyway, I remember our favorite cheer:

U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi you ugly, absolutely ugly!

Okay, so it wasn't the nicest cheer, but boy did it make us laugh.

The U.G.L.Y of Infertility:

I know. I am going through it too.

Infertility is hard on us as individuals, as well as our friendships, families, marriages, children, etc...

Infertility has rocked our worlds in a not so rock-in-roll way.

It has broken the picturesque version of our perfectly yet un-perfectly, fitted puzzled lives, that we had completed in our heads. And now, because of infertility, none of the pieces will fit.

My puzzle is broken.
I am blaming infertility.
And I hope HE can put me back together.

You UGLY infertility, absolutely UGLY!

A side note, not on the side: Its a scary thing to put this out there as a believer, but it's true. It's not all cake and ice-cream (or as I would say, chips and salsa) with me as a believer. But then, is it really that way with anyone? I would, in a rare mood, argue this one.

Something I Read

"Hey Dallas. My heart is breaking. I cannot fix this. I don't underatnd it. I am sadder than I've ever been."This will be a test of your joyfull confidence in God.""

A few other items from this article:

"The word Spirit. ""Disemboidied personal power.""
"Beauty. ""Goodness made mainfest to senses.""
"A diciple is. ""anyone whose ultiate goal is to live a jeasus would live if he were in their place.""
"Hey Dallas, what is reality. ""Reality is what you can count on.""

• Ortberg, John. "Guide into the With-God Life." Christianity Today July/August 2013: 64-68 (Quote from Dallas Willard)

Love this stuff

WHY?

I have often asked God "why?" while struggling through my years of infertility.  "Why would my God of love allow this?", Why me?", "Why", "Why", Why?". It seems I arrive at the same question and answer every few months or so. It's another ridiculous human cycle I go through: asking God why, painfully looking to the world for an answer myself, and then remembering HIS truth to me.  I do not know why I forget; I'm assuming its my angry, hungry  flesh looking to put the blame on God. Thankfully the peace and assurance that comes with the remembered answer is always worth it, and I praise Him today for taking the time once again to remind my why.

Today I found the answer here:
July Aug Stepping Stones

Happy for U

I found out that my most favorite human being in the whole wide world is pregos...Happy for U :) I love you Mucho mamacita and can't wait to meet your nugget !!! You seriously make the world a better place. You make me smile. I always laugh when I am with you, and I am very thankful for you! You do not conform to this world and I have always looked up to that in you. You are a rare being full of kind, gentle, patient, honest, wise, compassion and I am thrilled that a little, partial you is in that tummy!

Turning a Corner

FINALLY...I am turning a corner with infertility. How you ask? First, stoped being mad at God (yes, I was mad a God and yes, I still believe HE loves me anyway :) Second, stopped focusing on infertilty; started focusing on other things. Third, stopped feeling sorry for myself (dont get me wrong peeps; if you are at this point its ok, we all go through it!) Fourth, listened to Mr. C..:.Mrs. C you have got to start looking at all the great things we have and all the possiblities this life has for you.: Blurg...but ok Mr. C.


Well, lets hope it lasts :)


Brooke

Baby Safe Haven Hotline

Woman finds newborn left on sand at Hawaii beach

By JENNIFER SINCO KELLEHER | Associated Press – 7 hrs ago

 

"HONOLULU (AP) — A baby girl was abandoned and found crying in the sand at a Hawaii beach soon after she was born, human services officials said Monday.

The full-term, 8-pound newborn was "abandoned immediately after birth," state Department of Human Services Director Patricia McManaman said.
A woman parked at Sandy Beach in east Honolulu sometime between 11 p.m. Sunday and midnight heard several people screaming, police spokeswoman Michelle Yu said. A few minutes later the screaming stopped and the woman heard a baby crying.
She walked toward the ocean and saw an infant on the sand. The woman took the baby to a hospital. Police are investigating the case as endangering the welfare of a minor and child abandonment.
The baby, who had been found naked, was doing well and drinking formula at the Queen's Medical Center, McManaman said. "We're just very grateful this child is alive and doing well," she said.
If no one comes forward to claim the child, the Department of Human Services will file a petition this week with family court, asking for custody. A hearing will be held by Monday. If no family is identified, the state will ask the court for permission to release a photo of the infant on Monday, McManaman said.
In 2007, Hawaii became the 48th state with a baby safe haven law, said state Rep. John Mizuno. The law provides immunity from prosecution for leaving an unharmed newborn within 72 hours of birth at a fire department, police station or hospital or with emergency services.
No one has taken advantage of the law since it was enacted, McManaman said. The baby safe haven hotline is 800-494-3991."


http://news.yahoo.com/woman-finds-newborn-left-sand-hawaii-beach-015934646.html


Speechless,

Mrs. C

Not Sure

There are very little times in my life when my fingers do not feel like typing. That is how my little ink-free limbs feel today, but I force them on knowing it helps to get it all out. I am really struggling lately with the grief part of infertility. I feel stuck and I hate it. I cry out to my Father to release me from this want. Lately I think it is gone but it re-visits me so suddenly. I truly know that a baby/child will not make me a happier, fulfilled, etc...but yet my heart yearns to care for a child. And yes people, I know care means many many poopie diapers, sleepless years, worry, etc. You would think us infertile myrtles would take it as a blessing right? Can't I just snap out of it, sign up for a mission trip, and go care for a child somewhere? Is that what I am supposed to do? I think I am grieving the life I dreamt of since I was so little. I never dreamed up an elaborate wedding; I dreamed of being loved and sharing that love with our children.

I heard a message this morning. Keep in mind that I am very skeptical and weary on any message I hear lately. I question motives, truth, character, etc... Any by the way, I am not saying I know it all; in fact, I am saying the opposite: I know nada. This particular message enveloped prayer.  Why does God say no? Why does it feel like He doesn't answer sometimes? To summarize, the speaker said that maybe it is because we are living in sin, or maybe we are not praying the will of God. I heard a message the other day. To summarize, the speaker spoke about how we shouldn't stop knocking. That we should keep asking God. UGH...am I totally cut off from the holy spirit lately..it sure feels that way. Where is that soft whisper that directs my heart during these human fed messages? I miss it Lord. I keep hearing to seek the truth, which I believe is the living word. Does that mean I should memorize it all, sign up for Another bible study, devotion the heck out of every morning? Why do my devotions feel like BLAH lately anyways? God is obviously doing some work in me right now that I can not even organize on paper.

Not sure if this was a thought, prayer, or view but good luck getting all this.

Looking 2 HIM for help,
Mrs. C

Another year older

Tis' a strange thing to grow older with infertility. Just last night Kyle and I were in awe that one of our friends kids was turning 6 already. For me, that means we have been ttc for at least 5 years now (to be honest I have kind of lost track how long). Weird to watch your friends children grow up and go through baby stage, to toddler stage, and then before we know it we are attending tee ball and bumblebee soccer games.  Weird to watch your younger cousins have their first babies. Weird to be the dog lady.

I met with two of my dear friends this morning. They are dear to me in so many ways and I was so touched that they would pack up all their gear, sick babies, strollers, bottles, etc...and travel just to sit and have coffee with me and my puppy. I was reminded that God had truly blessed me with these amazing women who still make a HUGE effort to talk about how cute Maddie is when all the passer-byers are looking at their babies. Thank YOU Father for these women. Thank YOU Lord for these friendships. What a beautiful gift to have selfless friends who go out of their way to include their barren friend. I love you gals and hope that I too can follow your model and put you before myself.

Anger

It's tiring being angry; especially when you are angry at God. I havent wanted to talk about it or think about it. I have filled my time with things that please me temporarily all the while blaming God. I shudder a little thinking about how long I have held onto the - " I don't have a baby" anger. I am relieved to say that I have finally let it go. I got down on my knees and thanked Him for understanding my human heart and the anger that had lingered there. Following, I asked for forgiveness and then thanked Him for the sweet forgiveness that comes so generously and abundantly. And now that the anger is gone, I will be making some changes. More to come...

IT still exists

Well, the past couple of months we have been so full. Full of festivities, full of food, full of drink, full of moving, full of business, full of flu, full of living. Fullness was a nice distraction; but the reality is that IT still exists. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that the desire is gone when our time is filled with plans and people and things. I temporarily forget that I desire to have a belly full of life.  It was a nice thing to temporarily forget...

It struck me once again when I found out last night that another lovely lady I know "fell" pregos. My initial reaction was happiness for them. Then, the memory of my bareness state flooded back into my heart and I cried. Mr. C graciously comforted me. I thought about Hannah.

I am taking action. Today I am researching dog therapy/comfort school for Maddie Pepper and I. She is the sweetest dog I have ever known and I'm hoping we can share the healing she brings to me.